The Fast Food Critic: Dairy Queen Blizzards

I’m not going to be exactly unbiased about this one. If you were to come up and ask me about Dairy Queen Blizzards I would probably tell you they’re incredible. And then you would probably say “That’s great, but I was asking you about the weather, not Dairy Queen Blizzards.” At which point I might hit you for talking bad about Dairy Queen Blizzards. So…you see I’m not going to be exactly honest in grading them. Still, that’s more warning than you would get watching Faux News cover Obama.

While You’re Eating Them: Largely just depends on which one you get. If its Snickers or Heath bar (which I like) you’ll be chewing more than if you were to get Oreo or Cheesecake Oreo (which I love). If you were to get the Triple Chocoholics Blizzard Treat (which is chocolate ice cream around chocolate truffles themselves surrounded by chocolate shavings) you might experience the usually slow sensation of getting diabetes sped up, something like your eyes watering from sweetness and your tongue going limp from overload. The experience of Banana Cream Pie Blizzard is what I imagine heaven to taste like.

After You’re Done: You’re probably shaking and unable to focus on much else the rest of the day. I wouldn’t recommend eating a Blizzard on a day you really need to concentrate.

Impotence Level: Most likely the least of anything I’ve reviewed on here. Salt isn’t a Triple Chocoholic Treat Blizzard Treat’s problem. The title itself might give away what the real problem is.

Heart Attack Level on a scale of 1 to 5: It really depends on which one you get. I might say 2 for a Reese’s Blizzard–not exactly health food since its basically pure trans fat–and be forced to say 4 for some of the more extravagant blizzards. Still, we all have to die sometime, and buried under a pile of cookie dough lover’s blizzards is preferable to cigarettes that taste more like ass and less like heaven.