Red State vs. Blue State: Brody vs. Some Asshole on the Internet Part 1

Since I’m having a hard time finding people I know to debate in the “real world” (otherwise known as that boring space where you actually move your mouth to talk to people) and the ones I can find to debate usually don’t talk to me after we get done, I’ve decided to turn to the internet for an argument. And Holy shit did I find it. It turns out that for every quiet fascist I know personally that would label themselves a conservative but only talk about it with like minded people, there are two angry blowhards on the internet ready, willing, and foaming at the mouth for a good debate. So today I take a bold step out of the world of people I know, and jump headlong into a seedy underworld of contrarians I’ve never met, never seen an accurate picture of, and don’t know the name of. So…in a way it’s like every other debate I’ve had to do where the person refuses to give their real name, a picture, and–most offensive of all–help me promote it.

Brody: Thanks for coming anonymous bum. You’re the first debate I’ve never met face to face or at least that I’ve never even seen a picture of, but you’ve argued with me a thousand times on message boards so I feel like I know you already.

ReaganFan: [Says nothing…maybe he’s dead on the other end of the keyboard. Maybe it’s not even a he, but I’m pretty damn sure it is. Either that or a very unfuckable woman.]

Brody: Are you there?

ReaganFan: I’m here. You didn’t ask a question.

Brody: Well see that’s per usual. Because usually I’ll post something on a forum and you’ll respond even though I’ve never asked you a question. I guess my first question is why–for a borderline hysterical libertarian that treats private property like it’s holy land and trespassers are worse than pedophiles–do you always crash my threads uninvited?

ReaganFan: You don’t own the website–

Brody: Liberal causes do, HBO, Huffington Post, Real Time with Bill Maher, Daily Kos, Daily Show, MoveOn.org, etc. It’s fucking endless. In fact, I’ve never seen you on a conservative board–

ReaganFan: I go to them, you’re just not there. Thank God.

Brody: Well, but if there’s no liberals on conservative boards–

ReaganFan: Oh they’re there alright, comparing Bush to Hitler and Bill O’Reilly to Joseph Goebbels.

Brody: ANYways, conservatives routinely show up on liberal message boards–usually to bitch about the board being liberal–so why do they do that when they don’t want the government butting into  their business?

ReaganFan: It’s a public space where anyone can post–

Brody: It’s not actually. It’s privately owned and funded and obviously will have a liberal bent.

ReaganFan: But anyone can post there. I don’t really get this question, as you’re always ranting about fascism but you’re somehow saying I’m not welcome on a board. That’s a direct contradiction.

Brody: You seem to be saying that liberals should be happy when conservatives show up to take a dump on all their websites, their government buildings, or anything they like but liberals never have the right to come anywhere conservatives are and say anything.

ReaganFan: No. It’s all about the distinction between my private property that I’ve paid for and what I have the right to do with it and a website which is something different, as is a government building.

Brody: But why come to a website at all that you don’t like?

ReaganFan: [Dead quiet again…I swear this guy won’t shut up unless you don’t want him to]

Brody: You bitch and moan about liberals, liberalism, liberal media, liberal websites, and then you act shocked when you come onto a liberal website and it has liberals there. If you really hate it so much, why go out of your way to be on the site, register to comment, and stalk it like a jungle cat?

ReaganFan: Again, that’s my right as a free individual. I can post and go anywhere I want on the internet–

Brody: Yeah, yeah, you can drink a beer, you can smoke a cigarette, you can buy a gun, you can eat ice cream, you can eat a cheeseburger–

ReaganFan: Not if Michelle Obama gets her way–

Brody: you can scream your lungs out, you can go fucking nuts. But why do you do it? What’s the motivation?

ReaganFan: I like talking about politics–

Brody: Well I’d hate to know you spent 60 hours a week doing something you didn’t like.

ReaganFan: Which is what I thought we were going to do here on Alabama Socialist, but I guess that was a falsehood. Instead talking about message board etiquette or something useless.

Oh shit, I knew it was just a matter of time before I got called the S word, but this is actually a first for the Alabama Liberal. Join us for Part 2 of 2 next week when I don’t take too kindly to being called socialist.