Pirates of the Caribbean 4, For Those Who Hate Their Money

I’m sorry, but this franchise needs to die. Once was good, twice was not so good, three times was enough, and four times just feels like Johnny Depp is being a greedy bastard. [The official subtitle to this movie is “On Stranger Tides” but it should be “Depp needs a new mansion.”] I didn’t have any fun and I now hate Jack Sparrow as a character, so tired I am of his bullshit sitcom shtick. I never thought I’d live to see the day Brad Pitt is a better actor than Johnny Depp, but after seeing Benjamin Button vs. The Tourist and Tree of Life vs. Pirates 4, I am saying Pitt is better.

What Works: For all its stubborn refusal to change, Pirates can still conjure movie magic occasionally, like when they get close to the fountain of youth and a water drop moves in reverse down the spine of a leaf. The mermaids are also a nice tough. And even though the movie does nothing with him, it’s always good to see Ian McShane (excellent in the criminally underrated Deadwood).

What Doesn’t Work: I hate Barbosa (Geoffrey Rush’s disgusting, hammy pirate “villain” who actually seems like a big pussy). I hate Jack Sparrow. And I really hate that the Pirates films are still too long, too convoluted like a cartoon where a 9 year old writes the plot structure, and just generally bloated with the smarm of a film that knows people will go watch it anyway.

What I Would Have Done Differently: Quit at three movies as they promised us! And if they were going to keep making them, get rid of Barbosa (as they have Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley’s characters). I know we’re stuck with Jack Sparrow but each movie should have an entirely different cast. Also, it wouldn’t be a bad idea if the villain is actually scary instead of just sitting around killing time, and the movie had an undercurrent of menace instead of all the stupid, sloppy, mind numbing “hi jinks.”