More “down the road” movies nobody much cares about, but it’s Christmas…
The Family…What It’s About: Robert DeNiro plays a former mobster who enters witness protection with his family running away to the South of France. However, all is not idyllic when cultures clash, his kids run into different problems fitting in, a grumpy U.S. Marshall (Tommy Lee Jones, natch) keeps complaining, and, you guessed it, his former mob associates track him down…Review: An uninspired turd of a movie where you’ve seen pretty much everything before (isn’t the Italian-American mob a little exhausted at this point?). The sole high-point? DeNiro’s weary soulfulness. Sure, he’s played a mafiaoso 100 times before, but there’s something a little more wised-up about this wise guy. The point where he gives a commentary on Goodfellas is more enjoyable than the actual climax: a ridiculous shoot ’em up. Grade: C-
Phantom…What It’s About: Loosely based on a little-known incident at the height of the Cold War where a Russian submarine was mutinied by some rogue KGB officers who wanted to start a nuclear war between China and the U.S. Review: That all sounds much more interesting than it really is since the actual film is more than a little stagnant. Ed Harris plays the haunted sub captain just as you’d expect him to, and it’s strange that all the “Russians” speak English with American accents. The most offbeat thing on screen is watching David Duchovny play a KGB officer, because that’s something you haven’t seen at least. Grade: C-
Adore…What It’s About: An unintentionally creepy film where two best friends in Australia (Robin Wright and Naomi Watts) date each other’s sons for years, and nobody seems to mind this. Review: I’m a lot more open minded to “alternative relationships” than most people, but the logic at the heart of this movie just doesn’t wash. Neither one of the women prioritizes their own sons over their friendship or relationship? The sons don’t get mad that someone is pirooting their mother on a daily basis only a few feet from them? And the film barely even addresses the possibility that jealousies could get in the way? I don’t know…too rich for my blood. Grade: D+
Bullet to the Head…What It’s About: Sylvester Stallone tries to stay relevant by cranking out another shitty movie no one will like. Review: A completely uninspired hack film that should have been a direct-to-Netflix release…and only the desperate download it. Grade: D
Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain…What It’s About: Kevin Hart tries to wriggle some money out of your wallet with a stand-up special that was actually released in theaters instead of just premiering on Showtime. Review: I can’t believe they expected people to pay money for this (and so many people did) when it was in theaters last summer. It’s only 75 minutes long, 15 of those minutes are just Kevin dicking around with his friends, and the hour that is actual comedy would only work as a Comedy Central special. Hart is an energetic comedian with style to burn (his flare is undeniable and delivery better than the material), but what he’s actually telling jokes about isn’t as personal as the best comedy specials of Richard Pryor or Louie C.K. He comes off as a more generic Eddie Murphy, and the most private thing we learn about Hart is that he’s no fan of crazy women. Grade: C
Great movie roundup!
Have a Happy New Year!