This one is a weird “prequel” (which I guess is supposed to stop bellyaching that it’s really a deliriously shitty remake) of 1982’s The Thing…itself a remake of a 1950’s movie. However, this film promises to fill us in on what happens before the events in 1982’s The Thing, even though anyone who’s seen the 1982 Thing and possesses two functioning brain cells knows that what happened can be summed up in one sentence: the same shape shifting alien that wreaks hell on one research station in Antarctica unleashed hell on one before it. I won’t confuse you any further by talking about the “plot” or overly tricky chronology (between this, Saw, and the Paranormal Activity films, since when did you have to possess a doctorate to get the shit scared out of you?). This film opened and died on its opening weekend, so I’ll skim the regular points on a way to a review of The Three Musketeers (another movie nobody likes).
What Works: Virtually nothing. [Some nice shots of Antarctica’s landscape though.]
What Doesn’t Work: Virtually everything. The ’82 version’s delightfully creepy puppet effects have been replaced with blandly slick CGI. The cast is worse (’82 had Kurt Russell surrounded by sharp character actors…this movie has the guy from Warrior surrounded by Scandinavian actors you’ve never heard of and are hard to tell apart). The plot feels suffocated of all fun (you can’t call the Scandinavian moroseness great for this kind of horror movie). And that unbelievably crappy sequence where we go into the alien’s ship–yet learn nothing of why it’s here–should make the filmmakers feel embarassed.
What I Would Have Done Differently: If I ran a studio? Called in the junior executive who thought it was a good idea to remake The Thing (again), fire him, and consider re-releasing The Thing from ’82 as I sit back and cackle over a burning pile of money.
I was so disappointed they remade this or prequeled it or whatever…People should see the original
really fine. i want to read more.