By the time this review runs, “Ted” may very well have grossed 200 million dollars, and it will almost certainly hit that milestone no later than Wednesday and possibly finish its run with 250 million dollars domestic. In other words: WHAT THE FUCK? How did a lazy, haphazardly constructed movie that is essentially the same story of every guys-hanging-out-together movie every made but with a Teddy Bear as one of the guys become this monster, monster hit, and possibly the highest grossing R-rated comedy of all time? I have no fucking clue, but I suspect the cult of Seth MacFarland (those people with more free time than taste that watch Family Guy reruns and have seen this movie a dozen times by now) probably has a lot to do with it. If this guy ever founds a religion based on old pop cultural references, I’m pretty sure it’ll be the biggest thing since Mormonism.
What Works: I know some disagree, but Mark Wahlberg really is a gifted comic actor. He stole the show in the overrated “I Heart Huckabees” and was a lot better than most critics gave him credit for in “The Other Guys.” He’s just as good here playing straight man to vulgar teddy bear that, for no real reason other than Seth MacFarland can’t do more than two voices, sounds exactly like Peter Griffin from Family Guy. Plus, I enjoyed the character of Ted more than most of MacFarland’s other creations. And I’ll admit the movie has a handful of honest-to-God laughs…
What Doesn’t Work:…Buried in a pile of trash, otherwise known as the MacFarland prize of “Outdated pop cultural references.” You can tell MacFarland thinks it’s the height of comedy to reference the Brandon Routh-Superman film, 90’s singers, and obsessively reference Flash Gordon to the point of an actual subplot about it, but I don’t. Plus, there’s a really creepy subplot about an obsessed bear kidnapper that I don’t think fits tonally with the rest of the film, especially when the movie already has a “villain thief” like Joel McHale trying to steal Mila Kunis away from Mark Wahlberg. And Mila Kunis’s part could have been played by a hat rack with a pair of lightbulbs for eyes…there’s really no point getting such a sparky actress to play the watered-down, sometimes cool but mostly nagging-girlfriend role (what, Jennifer Aniston wasn’t available?).
What I Would Have Done Differently: Who cares right? This thing is a monster hit for a distributor (Universal) that desperately needs a monster hit, and I’m sure they wouldn’t change a thing, and don’t be surprised if we see a Ted Part 2 in 2014, but just don’t be surprised if it also takes a month for me to drag my unenthusiastic ass to the theater to watch it.