Colombiana is a strange movie. Not strange in terms of content–it’s standard revenge film stuff–but strange in that I KNOW it is “technically” the worst movie I’m reviewing today, but I actually would recommend this before My Idiot Brother or Fright Night. You won’t see a thing you haven’t seen before in this (except exactly how sexy Zoe Saldana is just in case someone doubted it) but it’s a quick two hours and no one leaving the theater I was in seemed all that disappointed.
What Works: Zoe Saldana. This is 100 percent a star vehicle and you can see why she signed up for it even if she’s not playing a character so much as a plot device. Saldana is almost supernaturally sexy in this, and watching her slink around different hideouts in catsuits, wetsuits, and birthday suits should put to rest any doubt that the wrong actress was cast as Catwoman. Anne Hathaway might be a good Catwoman but Saldana owns the part in my mind…owns it without even playing it. Just like she owns this movie.
What Doesn’t Work: The movie around Saldana doesn’t entirely crumble but there’s absolutely no other reason to watch it. It’s a standard revenge movie with conventional action scenes, unmemorable villains, and an ending you don’t have to be conscious to predict.
What I Would Have Done Differently: Made a different movie altogether. Why not have Saldana as a female James Bond just on a regular CIA mission? She’s the one 90 pound lady I actually believe as an action star butt whooper and it would be a pity if someone didn’t build a franchise around her. I don’t want to see this talent go the way of Rosario Dawson (a great, sexy actress that no one knows what to do with).
I am signing you up for some kind of TV movie critic show, since all we have now is pretty much crap. Wait, let me think, can’t do that just yet, as I have not acquired enough superhero points to accomplish that.
I loved the review.
PS
There was a “totally” somewhere in the above comment, but I didn’t want to sound too Californian.
Cheers,
nice review