All year long, I’ve been struggling with a case of political fatigue. I just can’t get too excited about the same issues as last year (Republican’s blocking Obama, drone attacks, the endless debate about the economy) without the stakes of an imminent election. That’s why most of the articles this year have been geared more towards entertainment or human interest stuff, and what better marriage of the political and entertainment than live-bloggint the season finale of Real Time with Bill Maher?
9:01–The episode starts a little late.
9:02–Bill comes out to raucous applause, immediately makes an Anthony Weiner joke.
9:03–Brings up Republicans trying to appeal Obamacare for the 40th time! “At this point it’s less governing than Charles Manson trying to get an appeal.”
9:04–“Russia will ban athletes for promoting homosexuality…In related news, figure skating has been cancelled.”
9:05–Mentions the Pope expressing sympathy for gays. “And who has more gay workers than the Pope?’
9:05–Bill mentions Ariel Castro and his audience delights in acting superior to him. “Oh, you’re so brave, being against him.”
9:06–A couple of Anthony Weiner jokes.
9:07–More Anthony Weiner jokes…man it is not looking good for that guy. Apparently his press secretary called a female intern a “cunt, a twat, and a slut bag.”
9:08–He introduces his first guest of the night: Larry Miller. Collectively: “Who the hell is Larry Miller?” He usually plays somebody’s dad in a comedy.
9:09–Why is he on? Because he was one of Bill’s very first guests 20 years ago on the first episode of Politically Incorrect. They show a clip with Larry and Jerry Seinfeld, although it really just features Seinfeld. Wouldn’t it have been great to have him on…
9:10–They start talking about Larry cracking his skull. Man, oh man, this may not be the best episode to recap. This is probably the least interesting conversation they’ve had in weeks.
9:12–They’re still talking about Miller’s skull surgery. Whew…sorry guys…
9:13–Larry tells a long story about how God saved his life or his wife’s prayers did. However, Bill gives a hilarious response “I’m glad you’re well Larry, but this is bullshit.”
9:14–“It’s called coincidence.” Awesome.
9:15–Bill is doing his best to add some snap to this segment but it’s hard to cut off his very good friend.
9:16–Finally, we move onto the panel. A couple of young nobodys (looks like one moderate, and one very liberal) and the legendary Barney Frank. Woo hoo, the biggest cheers are for Frank, naturally.
9:17–Bill details a fight for the soul of the Republican Party between those that think it’s time to move on from Big Brother (Rand Paul) and those that are still fanning the fear of 9/11 (Chris Christie).
9:18–Frank speaks for the first time tonight. “I have an interest in rude fat guys getting ahead in politics, so I have a soft spot for Christie.
9:19–He brings up that Christie has done more to stop gay marriage than anyone else in the country, since it would be legal in New Jersey if it wasn’t for him.
9:20–He sides with Rand Paul (never thought I’d type that) on the issue of cutting back our bloated defense budget and out of control spying.
9:21–Great question from “Do you think we can get rid of the Department of Homeland Security?”
9:22–Bill mentions that the top 15 positions in Homeland Security are vacant and it’s a thankless job because it’s mostly luck on whether or not you’re there when some shit goes down. Makes a strong case for getting rid of the “bloated” agency.
9:23–Barney gives a very nuanced answer in favor of keeping Homeland Security. Interesting, but I can’t say I totally agree.
9:24–The profit motive for keeping big defense is brought into it.
9:25–Bill FINALLY says what I’ve been saying for week: Eric Snowden is the smarter leaker since Bradley Manning is going to face a century in prison. All these people saying “well, he shouldn’t have fled” are delusional since not going to Russia would be, essentially, condemning himself to a lifetime in prison.
9:26–A heated argument between the liberal panelist (someone perhaps loosely connected to Occupy Wall Street…I’m not totally sure) and Barney Frank about whether Bradley Manning is justified.
9:27–Bill brings up Occupy Wall Street and praises them for bringing up income inequality but also points out that they never really accomplished anything, unlike the Tea Party.
9:28–She mentions that the red cloth patch on her shirt is about a group that bought up unfair debt and cancelled it. Loud applause. Then she brings up that the Tea Party has only really accomplished blocking things.
9:29–“But that’s what they wanted to accomplish.”–Bill. Barney Frank points out that the Tea Party has accomplished their goals: standing in the way of anything important.
9:30–Bill’s interesting fact of the night: there are more than 3,000 lobbyists for the banking industry.
9:31–Another argument between Barney Frank and the Occupy Wall Street woman. The third panelist is feeling awfully lonely…is he even still there? He hasn’t said anything in ten minutes.
9:32–Bill stops the conversation to begin his routine comedy bit that comes halfway through the show. He predicts the headlines that will come during the show’s hiatus.
9:33–I can’t possibly keep up with all these jokes (there’s one for Weiner, one for a gay pope, etc.). The best one: Lindsay Lohan leaves rehab and crashes car into tree where Amanda Bynes lives.
9:34–Bill introduces the night’s final guest: Jay-Z. There’s some cross-promotion for some documentary he’s pimping after the show.
9:35–Bill sort-of kisses Jay-Z’s ass. Mentions that he’s like The Beatles in terms of being ahead of his audience.
9:36–And then, classic Bill, brings up something real. “There’s a song on this album called Tom Ford, and some people must wonder why he’s on some white, gay designer’s dick.”
9:37–A doctored photo of a fight between Harry Belafonte and Jay-Z, who apparently have a feud.
9:38–Bill shows a clip of Harry Belafonte touching a white woman on TV and how controversial it was in 1968. I’m not really sure why, but it is interesting.
9:39–Jay-Z doesn’t really respond. He looks uncomfortable. Bill brings the conversation back to Jay-Z and he seems much more comfortable talking about himself…
9:40–Jay-Z mentions that it’s uncomfortable to ignore the other panelists. A quick joke about that.
9:41–Bill mentions that in seven years Jay will be eligible to be inducted into the Rock N Roll hall of fame. And the interesting fact that you’re eligible 25 years from your first album.
9:42–Bill reveals that he’s a minority owner in the New York Mets. He presents Z with a bedazzled cap that he won’t wear.
9:43–Jay-Z defends his vanity. “You’ll never be the greatest if you don’t see yourself that way first.”
9:44–Bringing it back to the panel. Bill calls out conservatives for saying “why do we care so much about Trayvon Martin when all these black kids just got shot in Chicago?” And then Faux News didn’t cover a violence conference in Chicago at all. They just wanted to change the topic, now really talk about shootings in the inner-city.
9:45–Naive liberal alert: the Occupy Wall Street woman says the real problem with inner-city crime is over-policing. Huh? Stop and frisk is why violence is worse for young black men than any other group in America?
9:46–You got to love Barney Frank because he’s even willing to argue with Jay-Z. I’m not sure he’s right, and I really don’t feel he even cares about this argument of over-policing, but it’s nice to see someone who won’t suck up to anyone.
9:47–Josh Barro (the very quiet third panelist) brings up the NEVER mentioned fight that the murder rate is at a 100 year low. Crime keeps going down, but he keep beefing up police and incarceration.
9:48–Bill brings up the militarization of Boston after the Boston bombings.
9:49–Bill changes topic to Obamacare. He also points out that the two most liberals on the panel are fighting each other more than they would fight conservatives.
9:50–“What drives Republicans crazy about Obamacare is that it’s working.”
9:51–Bill’s last topic is about the Pope. BUT he also mentions that Jay-Z may be questioning religion and gloats about it. Once again, Jay-Z dodges the question.
9:52–Bill talks about how liberal the new Pope is, and comments “they’re getting the poison ready at the Vatican, believe me.”
9:53–Legendary Bill quote “The Pope is doing a better job of moving his party into the future than the Republicans. He’s reaching out to youth votes, Latinos, gay people, he’s not judging people actively.”
9:54–Barney Frank “That’s because he doesn’t have a primary.”
9:55–New rules begins. “Why do electronics question everything we do except sending dick picks?”
9:56–“Since this is America, every movie must be titled after how many guns they have.”
9:56–“Why must birth control always be discussed by men no woman would fuck on a bet?”
9:56–“The Clinton campaign must come up with a better bumper sticker than I’m ready…It kind of reminds me of the Romney bumper sticker from last year. ‘Sure. Fuck it. Whatever.'”
9:57–His final new rule involves the battle of freedom, religious rights, and democracy in Egypt? Nope, North Carolina. He catalogues North Carolina’s list of crazy laws.
9:58–“North Carolina passed a ban on Sharia Law. Right, because the Muslim Brotherhood was just about to take over Greenville…They let you carry guns on playgrounds…And abortion? Let’s just say that if you ‘I’m getting ready to get rid of my baby,’ you’d better mean your truck.” Why did North Carolina trend away from being a blue-leaning state to a crazy right wing one? Welp, his name is Art Pope, and he’s a “Koch Brother from another one.”
9:59–He outs Art Pope as single-handedly passing laws that 4/5ths of North Carolina don’t want.
10:00–“In a post-Citizens United world, liberals have to step it up in buying states. Now who do we know that’s on the liberal side that an afford to buy a state?” And he looks over at Jay-Z. Classic
10:00–Says Steven Spielberg should buy Wyoming. Tyler Perry can buy Montana and make himself both senators and Madea Governor. And won’t it be great when gays can get married in “Oprahoma!”
10:02–Be ready Sarah Palin, Bill’s next standup show is going to be in Alaska.