What better way for a political blog that mostly talks about movies/TV to transition back into politics than to cover the ridiculous GOP debates which have become entertaining side-shows…
4:01–What a sad second-tier stage as only Bobby Jindal, Rick Santorum, and the recently-demoted Chris Christie and Mike Huckabee are on it. Poor old Lindsey Graham wasn’t even allowed on the second-tier debate stage.
4:03–Chris Christie’s first answer doesn’t include any mentions of Little Debbie or Cheetos. I’m not sure why…
4:05–The newly-fat governor Mike Huckabee’s answer doesn’t address Little Debbie either, but he does pander to the crowd by talking about abolishing the IRS. Smooch smooch smooch on that right-wing ass crack…
4:07–Tonight’s first mention of a “flat tax” comes from Santorum. In the first few debates, if you took a drink everytime they mention a flat or fair tax you’d be in rehab by the end of it.
4:09–Bobby Jindal talks…for some reason…can’t stop lying about the rosy Louisiana economics, even though it’s the poorest and most violent state in America. What a campaign slogan “Vote for Me, and All of America Can Look Like Louisiana!”
4:10–As Bobby Jindal bores me to death, I remembered that other guy who was bumped from the second-tier stage as well: George Pataki. It’s not a good sign that I forgot about him even though he’s the least-worst Republican in the race.
4:11–Christie says “Do you want to give Washington more control over your life?” Washington sucks blah blah blah…BUT if Washington is so awful then why won’t Christie go back to governing the state he’s been absent from for months so he can poll 9th in a presidential race he won’t win?
4:13–As Santorum prattles on something worth noting is that both Christie and Jindal have been criticized for wasting their time running for president while their states basically have no governors right now.
4:14–Santorum says that welfare benefits don’t provide incentives to get married. “Uhhh…I guess?” says America.
4:15–The Huckster takes a question…and ducks a question by talking about social security and medicare when he’s been asked about welfare reform. He does at least say the sensible “people on welfare aren’t lazy” but the crowd isn’t buying it.
4:16–Jindal brags about cutting spending…taking a shot at his opponents, forgetting the part where Louisiana is a fucking mess with a horrific economy. “I cut government jobs and gave that away in corporate tax cuts so now my state has unemployment, income inequality, AND a deficit! Vote for me!”
4:18–Huckabee is genial and cordial to his opponents, while Jindal keeps acting like he could actually win this thing. This guy’s in “attack mode” like he’s not on the second debate stage. I guess he thinks ferociously competing for “9th man” is a winning strategy.
4:20–Christie tries to “unite” the base by attacking Clinton, and the crowd seems to go for it in a way they didn’t go for Jindal’s internecine GOP combat. It’s pitiful pandering, but the crowd laps it up…
4:21–Today’s first commercial, and it’s about Chris Hemsworth tracking down a whale. Watch your back Christie, avoid Australians for a while.
4:25–And we’re back after some third-tier commercials mostly featuring how Time Warner supposedly doesn’t suck anymore. Their brand is more damaged than the GOP’s…
4:26–I bet the first-tier debate will at least have better commercials.
4:26–Santorum shockingly makes reasonable points about manufacturing in America and supporting regulatory environments if they’re reasonable. Of course, the crowd is crickets-chirping-quiet.
4:28–Huckabee talks about not bringing Syrian refugees here when there are people in America that are homeless…but will soon talk about cutting benefits for the homeless. The people who always say “There are Americans who could use that money” are usually the first ones to advocate not giving that money to poor Americans.
4:30–Christie lays all of our troubles with China on Obama and Hilary’s “weakness” as if Republicans off-shoring jobs left and right is strength.
4:31–Christie says he’ll retaliate against China’s cyberwarfare by committing more cyberwarfare. Says he’ll fly Air Force One over the disputed islands China is building…I almost wish Christie would be elected just so we can see him backpeddle on this promise.
4:33–Bobby Jindal=Kermit the Frog without the sex appeal?
4:33–More bullshit about how well Louisiana is doing. If Louisiana is doing well then all other states must be doing terrific. If New Orleans–the most violent city in America–is better off with Jindal, maybe he can take his “Baghdad Plan” of Governance to relatively peaceful, prosperous cities and ruin them too.
4:35–Jindal’s not getting it. The crowd clearly doesn’t want to see these Republicans fight each other, and Jindal keeps going for the jugular or as much as you can when you’re a wimpy hall monitor-type trying to take on a fat back-of-the-classroom bully like Christie. Bobby’s soooo lucky Chris refuses to take him seriously by fighting back.
4:37–“Stop Obamacare” by Jindal. Worth noting: he’s denied “Obamacare” in Louisiana and cost hundreds of thousands of people healthcare. None of the other candidates are talking about “Obamacare” much since outside the blood-red, ass-ignorant South most people don’t hate “Obamacare.”
4:38–Jindal keeps going for the jugular over his opponents and keeps getting booed. Is “reading a room” a skill he’s as good at as “talking accurately about Louisiana’s standard of living?”
4:40–Santorum ducks a question so he can brag on himself. “I beat the author of Hilarycare James Carville!” he says. “Who?”–says America. But the 90’s are calling and they think Santorum would be a great candidate to lose to Bill Clinton in ’96.
4:41–A great question about who each candidate supports on the other side of the aisle…
4:42–…That Jindal says is a lousy question and uses as an excuse to say “fire everyone in congress!” And the crowd claps…despite the fact that GOP incumbents are more likely to die in office than be voted out. If people hate their congressmen so much, then why do they keep re-electing them?
4:44–Huckabee also didn’t answer the question instead talking about Veteran’s Day. Christie didn’t answer the question instead talking about imaginary discrimination against police departments. And Santorum came closest to answering the question by giving a compliment to Democrats: “because they fight. They’re willing to take it to us.” Which is kind-of hilarious since liberals can’t stop complaining about the fact that the party refuses to fight for what they really believe in.
4:45–As we sit through a commercial break it might be a good time to think about Jindal saying he’d fire everyone in congress. Mr. Popularity in high school weren’t you Bobby?
4:49–We’re back from the commercial break and I managed to wake up long enough to catch that the next question is about taxes. Zzzzzzzzz…oh no, I’m back in a coma…
4:50–Jindal’s plan seems the most regressive since he’s asking even poor people to pay some federal taxes, but none of the plans will have the middle-class better off than they are today.
4:50–Jindal also uses the question as yet another excuse to attack fellow Republicans in Washington and paint himself as the lone savior of fiscal economics. If this guy has a portrait of his face on Napolean’s body at his house, it wouldn’t surprise me.
4:52–Huckabee indulges in a ludricrous “Fair Tax” policy—that has a high sales tax to replace income or investing taxes—that would be a disaster in an economy that is 70% consumer based, NOT TO MENTION a globalized economy where they could order something overseas with a smaller tax.
4:53–As Jindal rambles on, I’d like to reiterate how dumb a “Fair Tax” is in an economy where we’re actively looking to get people to spend more on clothes, restaurants, movie tickets, music, consumer goods in general, cars, concerts, etc.
4:54–As we go into another commercial break–damn, this thing has more ads than pro-football–I’d like to state again how stupid a “Fair Tax” plan is…
4:54–Fair Tax is still stupid…
4:55–…Still stupid…
4:56–….Yep, still stupid…
4:57–…It would also kill small businesses who are most vulnerable to high sales taxes, and need to keep costs as low as possible so people can experiment with their money instead of just going to Amazon to buy everything.
4:58–…Fair tax is still stupid…
5:00–And we’re back…unfortunately. Christie ties the Federal Reserve’s low interest policy to them being partisan for Obama. Oh God…can we get the commercials back?
5:02–Santorum is asked about the Fed and turns it into an answer about the breakdown of the nuclear family. Says that minority communities need more fathers at home, which is true, but will he then change drug policy to keep them out of prison? Hell no.
5:04–Huckabee brings up his wife in his Federal Reserve question. Yeesh…He then makes reasonable points about how people can’t have both a toothache and a car breakdown in the same week or they’ll go bankrupt, but it’s hard to believe he really cares about this as he’s against price controls on Healthcare or any economic relief for the working poor…who would be most hammered by a high sales tax. Yep, I’ll keep saying it until Huckabee quits saying it.
5:06–Santorum says he cares about the state of V.A. hospitals, yet also says Veterans should be “allowed” to go to private hospitals that will surely cost more. People leaving the V.A. doesn’t sound like saving it to me.
5:07–A question about restoring “pride” in America. Oh, this should be good…
5:07–This is the first debate I’ve watched with Bobby Jindal in it and I hope it’s the last one.
5:08–“Obama doesn’t believe in American exceptionalism”–maybe because the GOP has made his life a living hell for 7 years, that might have something to do with it.
5:09–Chris Christie says that the way to save the American military is to have a commander-in-chief who respects them and “understands” them, yet Christie has never been in the military unless you want to count his ongoing battle against General Tsao’s Chicken.
5:11–Santorum talks a lot…but doesn’t really say anything. Also, brings up his “experience” against our enemies, but has also never been in the military.
5:12–“I’m the only one who’s actually cut the size of government”–Bobby Jindal. If you took a shot everytime he’s said this, you’d already be in an alcohol-induced coma.
5:13–Santorum says working class people need a president who awards them “dignity.” “Uhhh…sure, I guess”–says America.
5:14–Huckabee says he’s the luckiest guy on Earth. For once, we agree. Then he brags about taking 7 dollars off a child who gave him her allowance so he could waste it running for president. Talk about taking money from a baby.
5:15–Christie hammers Hilary yet again. He says she’s too partisan, yet it’s worth noting that all of his answers have been attacks on Hilary, Obama, the Democratic controlled New Jersey legislature, really the state of New Jersey, and he refused to answer the question about which Democrat he admired most.
5:16–Thank God, we’re done with this debate!
5:16–Who did the “best?” Well, best is a relative term, but I found myself agreeing more with Santorum than anyone else…and yes, hell must be freezing over right now. I didn’t like anything Christie (attack Hilary) said or Huckabee, but both were better than Jindal who comes in a sorry dead-last. How much worse could George Patacki and Lindsey Graham really be?
5:17–Seems like Christie is already being declared the big winner since his “substantive” answers all attacked Hilary. [Eye roll]
5:18–Welp, that’s it for the first debate. I’ll see you back here in an hour to do the second debate unless I find literally anything better to do such as watching paint dry or the grass grow or reorganizing the pens in my stationary drawer. So if anything else comes up, it’s been “great” doing the first debate. Great being a relative term…