6:01–Let’s get ready to rumble…
6:02–Very first question is about Donald Trump. He may have committed a great move.
6:03–Ted Cruz doesn’t know what Ted Cruz believes, he just knows he believes it.
6:04–The second question is about Donald Trump. Gee, I wonder why he didn’t feel he needed to show up…
6:05–“Cuban Matt Damon” Marco Rubio gets the next question, and he mentions Donald Trump without being asked.
6:08–Jeb Bush seems thrilled to be able to insult Donald without him in the room. He should have brought a Donald Trump-looking literal straw man to punch in the face after each response.
6:10–Chris Christie won’t defend moderate conservatism. How in the hell do these guys hope to win by being so identical?
6:12–They’re asking Rand Paul about Ted Cruz. Rand Paul is also only on stage because Trump quit. Rand” Sloppy Seconds” Paul.
6:13–Rubio advances dated notion that you can “destroy” Islamic terrorism militarily.
6:14–Rand isn’t having it, and it draws the loudest applause of the night.
6:14–John Katich is getting a question about why he rejects the establishment label. A decent question…
6:15–Ben Carson wholesale embraces his own political ignorance.
6:16–I can already tell you’re likelier to find a self-confessed killer than a member of the “Republican establishment” tonight.
6:17–Ted Cruz is making me miss Trump
6:20–Rubio talking about ISIS. “Sure…whatever”–America
6:21–Where is Rubio getting it from that our military doesn’t spend enough money? They practically have a money furnace at the Pentagon to heat the damn place.
6:22–Mercifully, we have a commercial break. “Ted Cruz is the one guy who makes people go ‘Tell me more about Donald Trump.'”–Bill Maher
6:26–Chris Christie ducks another question by talking about Hillary Clinton. Introducing Christie eating game: every time he does, eat a doughnut.
6:27–Chris Wallace actually socks it to Ted Cruz…It was over something completely meaningless, but still…
6:28–I guess Faux isn’t just content to give blowjobs the way they have at every debate before this. Of course, Rubio is still there boy so we’ll see if they ask him any tough questions tonight.
6:29–Cruz just couldn’t resist playing the martyr to imaginary “media discrimination.” He has done this at every single debate, and it never fails to be phony…
6:31–Why does Ted Cruz act surprised every time somebody doesn’t like him? Even his own dog is no better than neutral…
6:33–Marco and Rand go back and forth over Islamic terrorism.
6:34–It seems to be Hawkish Rubio vs. Paul-ish Rand. I think Ron Paul is outspoken enough on this issue to have his own label of thinkers.
6:35–Megyn Kelly seems to have a short, Diane Sawyer-ish haircut to look more credible. But I’m pretty sure Sawyer never encouraged Islamic profiling…
6:38–Ben Carson attacks the scourge of political correctness, but it’s interesting that he doesn’t seem to even know what he’s attacking exactly.
6:40–John Kasich says decent points about ISIS, but he’s also made them numerous times. In fact, none of these candidates are really saying anything that hasn’t been market-tested in previous debates.
6:43–Fox is putting some “new fangled” spin on this debate by having YouTube personalities send in questions. Average Faux News viewer “What’s this sass?”
6:44–Rand Paul gives an honestly good answer about the drug war and racial discrimination, so, of course, the moderators say nothing and cut directly to a commercial.
6:48–Of course, they went from white policing entitlement to fiscal entitlements and how to cut them. Of course…
6:49–Chris Christie says he’d cut Planned Parenthood’s funding which is about 0.0001% of the budget. Hey big spender…
6:50–“Would you feel okay if people lost their health insurance because you repealed Obamacare?” Question to Ted Cruz. Oh silly, don’t you know that Ted Cruz doesn’t care about people?
6:51–Jeb Bush advocated Puerto Rico getting to vote on citizenship. Crickets…
6:54–John Kasich answered a question about the Flint Michigan water crisis, and the crowd might have been checking their phones during that answer because only a few seemed to even hear what he said.
6:55–Marco Rubio said he would not support Cap and Trade, and there was very mild applause over that. Is this progress?
6:58–We’re back from a commercial break, even though I’ve begun to really savor them.
6:59–Megyn Kelly asks Rubio about immigration flip-flopping, but does it in a way that makes it seem like she’s not for immigration reform either. Maybe she’s more like Donald Trump than she thinks…
7:00–Jeb Bush plugs his book “Immigration Wars.” Is he the new Mike Huckabee?
7:02–Rubio nails Jeb Bush for flip-flopping on immigration reform. And Jeb nails him back for flip-flop.
7:03–They’d rather be handcuffed to a hooker than admit they supported immigration reform.
7:04–Now they’re going after Ted Cruz immigration flip-flop.
7:06–Now they ask Rand Paul, and he just nailed Ted Cruz’s lack of authenticity and holier-than-thou attitude.
7:10–Hard not to like Rand tonight.
7:11–Chris Christie seems faux-outraged at all this “Washington lawyer tricks” despite the fact that he’s barely answered a question directly tonight.
7:12–Now a YouTube star who wants to talk about immigration. And even Ben Carson seems surprised that the question is for him. “I’m still here?”
7:12–Somehow Ben Carson took a question about immigration discrimination towards Hispanics and turned it into an answer about ISIS.
7:14–Chris Wallace prefaces his questions with “you may not like this question…” The real winner tonight: Donald Trump, because he must have gotten tipped off that tonight was the night Faux News pretends to be a real news organization.
7:15–Question is about how unpopular Ted Cruz is, and how not a single person who’s worked with him will endorse him. The people who know Ted Cruz the best, like him the least.
7:19–They’re asking Marco Rubio why Florida has him THIRD in the polls, and why the people who know him best aren’t going for him over Ted Cruz and Donald Trump. He spins it with “there’s only one savior: Jesus Christ who died for our sins.” A new low…
7:20–Now they’re asking Chris Christie about “Bridgegate.” Get the popcorn…
7:20–I never thought I’d say this, but I’m actually enjoying watching Faux News.
7:20–Damn, commercial break. I was hoping for more candidate zingers…
7:22–Trump looks like a genius for skipping this. Every single candidate looks worse tonight than they ever have.
7:27–John Kasich gives long and informative answers…he’ll never make it in politics.
7:27–Chris Christie is once again backing away from a moderate position. For a guy who looks like a fat bully, he has surprisingly little forcefulness on what he actually believes.
7:30–Rubio is blabbing about his faith again. It’s such a shameless plea to Iowa evangelicals I’m surprised he’s not taking the Sacrament onstage.
7:31–Rand Paul’s Libertarian loop-hole: how can a guy who is supposedly socially liberal actually be a huge opponent of abortion? And introduce federal legislation on it?
7:34–Ben Carson misspeak 400: “Putin is a one-horse country, oil.”
7:36–John Kasich is talking again.
7:37–Damn, I could go for a commercial right about now…
7:39–I’m glad that they’re slowly fazing out the undercard debates, because three hours of these debates really grows tiresome.
7:43–I can’t remember the last time I felt this tired just watching television.
7:44–Rand Paul saying Hillary can’t be a feminist leader because she’s stayed with a husband that’s cheated on her…but I guess he can be because he wants to shut down Planned Parenthood?
7:46–Jeb Bush is getting his loudest applause of the night at Donald’s expense, only because Donald’s not there.
7:47–Ted Cruz asked about his cozy relationship with big oil and scheme to get rid of ethanol. He won’t even admit that his legislation is bad for ethanol.
7:48–Ted mentions Iowa congressman, and professional dumbass Steve King again. Is he just thrilled to have a friend?
7:50–Ben Carson talking about fuel is a great time to get a glass of water.
7:54–Closing statements, thank God.
7:55–Rand Paul says “thanks for having me back” alluding to him getting bumped to the undercard debate last time. Of course, he’s only back because Trump skipped this debate.
7:55–John Kasich says…something…
7:56–Chris Christie brings up 9/11…of course…
7:57–Jeb Bush talks. This is the best debate he’s ever had.
7:57–Ben Carson has a hard time pronouncing words with more than 3 syllables. Did this guy ever have to explain his medical process to his patients? Because he would not fill me with confidence.
7:58–Marco Rubio says Obama has dimmed America’s light. “Hmmm…I guess that works, Obama sucks!”–GOP primary voter
7:59–Ted Cruz is getting more jowl-ier as this campaign goes on.
8:00–It’s over, thank goodness.
Don’t forget to check out the fifth episode of A Year Long Conversation where we place our bets on who will win Iowa, and the nomination in general.
Love the play by play!