Fast Food Critic: The Promised Land Reveals Itself at the KFC Buffet

Two words: KFC. Buffet. That’s what select KFC’s across the country have (although I have only seen about 5 in Alabama and nowhere else), so of course the only real question is: Why am I just now reviewing it.

The buffet I went to had the usual suspects: friend chicken greasy enough to mop a floor with, mashed potatoes as whipped as the cellulite they cause, and biscuits that would make Michael Phelps say “This is too much carbs.” What I didn’t expect is that that’s about all the buffet has that is on the actual menu. The buffet doesn’t contain macaroni, baked beans, or many of the sides that are actually popular (or chicken wings, chicken strips, chicken sandwiches or any chicken that isn’t traditional pieces) so it actually doesn’t have about 90 percent of KFC’s actual menu on it. What it does have are obscure sides like black beans, this red mashed up thing I don’t know what it is, this yellow mashed up thing I don’t want to know what it is, and corn that might not be offered as an actual side on the menu. These choices are healthier, fresher, probably better for you in almost every way…but, if we’re being totally honest, not what you’re really at KFC for.

While You’re Eating It: Depending on which sides you’re getting, you’re pretty satisfied. One of the most satisfying meals I’ve had as a reviewer of fast food because it doesn’t feel like traditional fast food, even though it’s just as bad for you.

After You’re Done: The unlimited portions will have you on the look out for larger pants that fit when you get home.

Impotence level: Since KFC’s “secret” ingredient is salt there is enough sodium in your meal it might as well be fed to Army soldiers in the mess hall to keep them from having sexual urges.

Heart Attack Level on a Scale of 1 to 5: If you eat the right vegetables and only a plate of them: 1. If you eat chicken, biscuits, and mashed potatoes for three plates (my choice): 4.5