Entertainment Editorial: I Pick The Oscar Nominations

It’s that time of year again: the time when America pretends to give a shit about who wins the Oscars, really just watches the red carpet, claps if someone they’ve heard of (like Sandra Bullock) wins, and largely just goes back to watching Transformers and pretending it’s a good movie. With that, I’d like to give my picks of who will be nominated in the top categories…In order of most likely…

Best Actor:

1. George Clooney, The Descendants

2. Brad Pitt, Moneyball

3. French Douche Bag, The Artist (I think his name’s Jean Dujardin but this will be what America thinks when his name is called and I don’t blame them)

4. Michael Fassbender, Shame

5. Leonardo Dicaprio, J. Edgar

The One Who’ll Feel Snubbed: Gary Oldman in Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. This isn’t Oldman’s best performance but he’s never been nominated and there’s been a big push to get him on there. I think he COULD topple either DiCaprio (whose film isn’t nearly as popular as it should be) or Fassbender (the sex content of his film mean a lot of older Academy members may not watch it). But I kind-of doubt it.

The One I Wish Would Wind Up There: Woody Harrelson for his blistering performance as a dirty cop on the downward spiral in Rampart or Michael Shannon in Take Shelter.

Best Actress:

1. Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady (One battle ax playing another, how can they resist?)

2. Viola Davis, The Help (A great performance in a mediocre movie)

3. Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn

4. Glenn Close, Alfred Nobbs

5. Rooney Mara, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

The One Who’ll Feel Snubbed: Tilda Swinton in We Need to Talk About Kevin. Most think she’ll be there instead of Mara but I’m predicting a mild upset because Dragon Tattoo is peaking at exactly the right moment.

The One I Wish Was Up There: Charlize Theron in Young Adult. She was so great in that movie and yet the competition this year is ferocious. Probably the first time the Best Actress race is tougher than the Best Actor race and I think that will continue to be the trend in years to come.

Best Supporting Actor:

1. Christopher Plummer, Beginners (And should win it too in February)

2. Kenneth Branagh, My Week with Marilyn (In another year he’d be shakier but this year is incredibly weak competition)

3. Albert Brooks, Drive (A great, villainous turn from him that fully deserves to be here)

4. Jonah Hill, Moneyball (Does not deserve this at all, but there’s simply no competition this year. This is the weakest category of the major ones)

5. Max Von Sydow, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (This is the “Who Knows?” slot, and he hasn’t been nominated for jack shit so far, but everyone thinks he should be there and he might coast on that)

One Who’ll Feel Snubbed: Ben Kingsley, Hugo. He could easily topple Sydow and make the cut. I can’t emphasize enough that there’s just really no telling with that fifth slot and it could go to a complete wild card like Corey Stoll in Midnight in Paris or hopefully….

One Who Should Be Up There: Brad Pitt, Tree of Life. In my opinion, he’s being nominated for the wrong performance. He was cool as ice in Moneyball, but in Tree of Life he was a revelation as a simultaneously cruel and loving father, bitter at the world around him while also trying to excel in it. He deserves to be up there.

Best Supporting Actress:

1. Octavia Spencer, The Help (Big cheers to this fellow Auburn grad)

2. Berenice Bejo, The Artist (There appears to be no stopping this movie, even if you want to)

3. Shailene Woodley, The Descendants (Didn’t get a SAG nomination but they’ve had their head up their asses before)

4. Jessica Chastain, The Help (Might get squeezed out because of vote splitting between her many memorable supporting performances in Take Shelter, Tree of Life, and this, but she’s a star that deserves to be here. 2011 was her year and her body of work ought to count)

5. Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids

One Who’ll Feel Snubbed: Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs. This is really a six woman race with only five slots and she could easily beat any of the above out for a nomination, but I doubt it. Not many people have seen her film, and the movie will be lucky to get Glenn Close a nomination for the title character.

One I Wish Was Up There: Jessica Chastain, Tree of Life or Take Shelter. This will seem like splitting hairs as Chastain will probably be nominated anyway, but I feel The Help (where she is solid) is probably the wrong movie, and would prefer to see her nominated as the supportive, quietly suspicious wife of troubled spouses in Take Shelter or Tree of Life.

Best Director:

1. Alexander Payne, The Descendants

2. Martin Scorsese, Hugo

3. French Douche Bag, The Artist (Technically I think his name is Michel Whogivesashit)

4. Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris

5. David Fincher, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

The One Who’ll Feel Snubbed: Steven Spielberg, War Horse. He could easily topple Fincher for that fifth slot (or even Allen for the incredibly overrated Midnight in Paris) but the Director’s Guild Nominations say he’s not in the cut, and that’s a shame. He does deserve to be there almost as much as…

The One Who Should Be Up There: Terrence Malick, Tree of Life. Malick actually has a decent chance at being nominated and good lord I hope he does. He deserves it more than anyone up there. Whether someone loves Tree or Life or hates it, it’s hard to deny his directorial vision is HIS. Malick’s singular, beautiful vision deserves to be nominated for his directing even if Tree of Life is (unfairly) shut out of all other categories.

Best Picture:

1. The Artist (Ughhh)

2. The Descendants

3. The Help

4. Hugo

5. War Horse

6. Midnight in Paris

7. Moneyball

8. Tree of Life

9. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

10. Bridesmaids

Okay, so this category is the hardest to predict deliberately as the rules this year dictate that there can be in between 5 to 10 nominees. Meaning nobody has a solid number of how many nominees there will be. There could be five, there could be 10 or any number (I’m guessing 7) in between just depending on how many votes the top movies get. It all feels a bit like they’re screwing with us to me, but these are my wild guesses as to what movies will be nominated and in what order depending on how many slots there are.

One Who’ll Feel Snubbed: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, which shouldn’t because it has won no prizes at all up to this point, but people keep saying it’s a contender so they’ve lied to themselves that they are a contender.

One I Wish Was Up There: It just depends. I think Tree of Life should be up there, and we’ll just have to see if it isor gets unfairly ignored. I’ll consider it a wild success if Tree of Life winds up in the nominees list, and will count that as avenging the wrong put out by an ignored Woody Harrelson, Charlize Theron, Michael Shannon, and Terrence Malick.