Bubba’s Sex Tips: Bubba Goes “Redneck Green”

So last weekend was Earth Day, and today I’d like to talk about it nearly a week after the fact. [What, you expect a redneck to do something before its too late? Hell, I don’t my file my taxes until June, and don’t celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day until…phew…how’s never sound?]

Since everyone’s out there caring about the planet and shit—-particularly since that commie Al Gore put out a propaganda video trying to scare people and distracting them from real things they should be scared of like gay men playing butt darts and the Iranian super villains that will take over any day now to blow up Israel, make women wear burkas, and impregnate all of the world’s camels—-I figure I’d mindstorm up some ways people in the south could help cut down on their carbohydrate emissions and stuff.

1. Only burn trash in your yard once a week. It won’t be as fun as watching a cereal box roast daily but it will cut down on–oh fuck it, just burn trash as much as you want.

2. Stay away from cow farts…apparently they’re half to blame for global warming. As revenge, eat as many cows as you can, and don’t worry about all these “red meat causes heart attacks” scare mongers, everyone in my family eats red meat three times a day and none of us have ever died before 35.

3. Switch from a truck that gets two miles to the gallon…to one that gets four miles to the gallon. It was tough to get a more “fuel efficient vehicle” (just writing that phrase makes me feel like I ought to bend over on the Golden Gate bridge and let Neil Patrick Harris go to town on me while singing songs from Glee) but it turned out to not be nearly as gay as I thought, and now I can use the extra money to buy more gas to burn trash in my yard with.

4. Don’t use condoms…It’s true, condoms are made of plastic or some shit and that’s bad for the environment because it doesn’t burn the right way or something so just keep on having unprotected sex and keep the South’s “Highest Teen Pregnancy Rate in the Country” ranking number 1!

5. The world’s overpopulated with too many kids taking up too much resources, so Mexicans and Muslims need to quit having kids…It’s true, it’s science so just do it, in a hundred years you can have kids again, but for now care about the planet. [He-he-he, they’re totally buying it.] Don’t have kids, turn gay if you have to—-wait, shit…that’s a quagmire. More gays for less Muslims is what you’d call a “Redneck Catch-22.”