So last night the University of Alabama (or “The Crimson Tide”) beat the shit out of LSU in an embarrassing national championship game where the final score was 21 to zero. That’s zero with a z. [Of course, for his part, LSU coach and professional sayer of stupid things said that LSU should receive the title anyway based on their season of work…Which in my book counts for jack shit when you play the Superbowl of college football and don’t even wind up on the board.] And so that shut out now brings the state of Alabama its third consecutive national championship win. For those that don’t know, Alabama University won it two years ago (yay), Auburn University won it last year (hooooooray!), and then Alabama University won again last night (ehh).
Now some football fans–okay, most of them–have attacked last night’s game before it even started because it was two Southeastern conference teams against each other and somehow that isn’t fair. [Never mind, that Auburn has been screwed out of going to the championship before so overrated teams like Ohio State or Michigan or Texas can get their ass kicked by whatever Southeastern conference team is sent instead.] Tough shit…the SEC has won the national championship game for five consecutive years and there’s no reason to think they won’t next year, because, let’s face it, we’re better at football. I’m not saying that as a boast or hyperbole or even as a taunt–and you’ll see why in a few sentences–and I’m really not a sports fan at all and don’t even watch the games. But let’s just admit that the South is the best place in the country for good college football teams. And let’s also admit that it hasn’t helped Alabama the state one bit.
Two years ago, when Alabama won the national championship–a big deal, no one would argue that–I thought it would surely bring in a flood of new businesses or at least make the city of Tuscaloosa (where the University is based) grow. It didn’t. Then when Auburn won last year, I was certain of the same thing. Also wrong. And so this year I also don’t think it will have much of a push. [It also doesn’t help that the Tuscaloosa area is still trying to put itself back together after devastating tornadoes last Spring.]
Sports are very profitable businesses and having a winning sports team can rake in piles of cash to a city that might otherwise not have a lot going for it. But the thing about that is that most of those are pro sports teams. Not college teams that nobody but the die-hard fans really follow. Pro-sports can be fun, arena events where white girls pretend they know a lot about the Yankees or the Patriots and can go have a good time one night watching “their” team (i.e. a good team) beat the hell out of a pitiful team that has no chance of beating them. This draws massive crowds and makes Pittsburgh “The Home of the Steelers” instead of “That shitty city in Pennsylvania that’s not Philadelphia.”
Even the legendary “Crimson Tide” (arguably the best college football team in history with the most well-known coach ever, Bear Bryant) can’t quite draw those types of crowds and interest. Sure, Bryant-Denny Stadium is packed out on game day but it’s mostly because college football has such a fanatical following inside the state of Alabama, more than it’s really drawing a ton of business interest from outside the state. What Alabama needs to do is wise up, and try to use all these Championships as a great excuse to launch a PRO-football team in Birmingham. Of course, that would require a little bit of ambition and foresight, and Alabama’s recent political leadership has not shown much of either. They’re much more content to bust up teacher’s unions and drive Mexicans out of the state than to drive businesses into it.
Which is a real shame. Because next year, football season will start and Alabama will become lobotomized by watching football coverage and obsessing over stats that they feel are just so important (the irony is that hardcore football fans have a lot more in common with Dungeons and Dragons/Lord of the Rings/World of Warcraft nerds than they realize). And maybe Alabama can even pull a rabbit out of a hat and win a fourth consecutive championship. Maybe. But it won’t make the state any better.
A moment there I thought this was a sports review.