Another GOP debate? This is becoming a full-time job…
5:20–Ben Carson is refusing to walk out on stage…for some reason. Bizarre protest…
5:22–Trump joins him, because, “ehhhh, what the hell?”
5:25–Trump is defending his foreign policy credentials and against Cruz attacks.
5:26–Ben Carson goes after Ted Cruz for very dirty tricks. Good for him. He’s still a huge wuss, but this is the most fired up I’ve ever seen him.
5:27–Ted Cruz lies through his damn teeth about how he didn’t start those voicemails that Ben was dropping out of the race, CNN did…Drinking game: Every time Ted Cruz lies, take a shot of alcohol. Of course, you’ll be unconscious by first commercial break.
5:30–This may be the most awake I’ve ever seen Ben Carson, and he still looks like he just got done watching The English Patient. Is this guy ever not drowsy?
5:32–Marco Rubio gave a canned, rehearsed answer…
5:33–Chris Christie calls him out on it.
5:34–Rubio has now said the same thing three times, even after Christie called him out on it. We heard you the first time…
5:36–Jeb Bush is talking, time for a bathroom break. Jeb Bush speaks, America sleeps…
5:37–Anybody see that cheesy footage of John Kasich having a snowball fight in New Hampshire? Because nothing says “unscripted fun” like John Kasich.
5:39–Ted Cruz has said Donald Trump would have us in a nuclear war…as he advocates war with Iran, North Korea, and Russia.
5:42–It’s kind-of unintentionally hilarious that they’ve all said Trump has too many anger issues to be in charge of the military while Ted Cruz and John Kasich just said they would back a war with North Korea that would spiral into WWIII between China and the rest of the civilized world.
5:44–Trump is the only one not advocating military force in dealing with North Korea, instead using a more sensible plan to put pressure on China’s economy to get their dependent state North Korea under control.
5:45–Jeb Bush is talking again…because “why not?”
5:46–I’d like to know how Rubio got touted as the GOP’s salvation when he gets spanked on nearly every issue…
5:47–Meanwhile, Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum fight over who gets to be on “Dancing with the Stars” next season…
5:51–Ted Cruz talks about deporting immigrants. I’d start with him…
5:54–Marco Rubio is asked about giving up on his own immigration bill. He rambles about non-sense for three straight minutes…
5:56–Chris Christie calls him out on it, to much applause.
5:57–If Rubio is supposeldy surging in New Hampshire, then why is everyone else on stage getting more applause and less boos?
5:58–Trump is asked Healthcare question by Mary Katherine Ham, a woman who has been on Real Time with Bill Maher talking about how much she hates Donald Trump.
5:59–Trump on healthcare “We’re not going to let people die in the street.” This gets no real applause. It’s funny that “not letting people die” is controversial in GOP.
6:01–Ben Carson’s healthcare plan sounds a lot like Ponzi scheme.
6:02–Donald Trump defends imminent domain. I love it, but this could cost him the “hill people” vote.
6:03–Jeb Bush tries to get tough on Donald Trump over imminent domain.
6:04–Trump makes fun of his tough guy act.
6:05–Trump calls out that debate audience is stacked with “influential” people in the party, and his own people couldn’t get tickets. This happens to be true.
6:06–Trump is booed loudly, but doesn’t seem to care.
6:08–First commercial break.
6:10–I have come to really appreciate the commercial breaks.
6:12–They come back from a commercial break to ask John Kasich why the NYT supports him…
6:14–And to ask Trump if he’s a real conservative. Who’s writing these RINO-hunting questions, Grover Torquist?
6:17–They’re having economics debate questions, and it seems like Trump has no real interest in pandering to the crowd by saying he’ll stop globalization. He’s trying to figure ways to use it to America’s advantage.
6:22–Jeb Bush is getting a lot of applause for some reason. I think Trump was on to something by saying he had paid followers in the crowd. He’s basically saying nothing.
6:24–Jeb Bush says he wants to create more millionaires to wild applause. Donald Trump says he doesn’t want poor people to die in the street from lack of healthcare to no real reaction. This is THE problem.
6:25–Jeb Bush “I want to create more millionaires.” Yes, because your brother and father were wonderful for the economy.
6:26–Ted Cruz talks about carpet-bombing schools. Yes, because Muslims will immediately surrender when you blow up their children.
6:27–Ted Cruz talks about blowing up religious schools overseas…While wanting American schools to become more religious.
6:30–Rubio lays out his plan to defeat ISIS which is really not a plan at all.
6:31–Basically, all GOP candidates “We’re going to blow up ISIS!” Well, I’m sure if you ask them nicely, they’ll all gather in the same spot for you to do that.
6:32–GOP strategy for defeating ISIS is basically the same as Yemen, Somalia, Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Libya, etc. Because hey, the 10th time’s the charm right?
6:35–Ben Carson is a huge pussy. First presidential candidate to lie about stabbing someone so he can look tough…
6:36–Trump advocates for torture. “Uhhh…what?”–America
6:38–While they waste an hour talking about ISIS, Nigeria is being torn apart by Boko Harm and it wasn’t already in a Civil War before, unlike like pre-ISIS Syria.
6:41–Occasional question asker Mary Katherine Ham is trying to ask a question, but she can barely speak because her mouth has so many teeth.
6:43–Ted Cruz “it’s worth noting that the Iranian hostages were released the day Reagan was sworn into office.” Because his people paid them! They were paid to hold the hostages until the election to make Jimmy Carter look bad.
6:48–Now they’ve moved on to America’s War on Drugs and New Hampshire’s heroin problem. Where is Rand Paul when you need him? This is his best issue.
6:52–Ted Cruz tries to get sympathy by talking about his drug-overdosed sister. In fairness, if Ted Cruz was my brother, I would turn to drugs too.
6:53–The most surprising part of this drug portion: Ted Cruz has a human sister. I assumed he was egg hatched.
6:54–Ted Cruz talks about drug-addicted sister…while advocating jail time over rehab and keeping marijuana illegal.
6:55–Whenever they bring up drugs, Ben Carson never says a word. He thinks “Please don’t ask about Xanax abuse. Please don’t ask about Xanax.”
6:57–Also, cokehead Marco Rubio never says a word whenever drugs are brought up…
6:58–Marco Rubio “we’ve been willing to have twice as many debates as the Democrats” uhhh, because you started out with SEVENTEEN candidates and still have NINE even after Iowa primary.
7:00–Commercial break…
7:05–They say “let’s talk about race.” Yes, because who better than the GOP…
7:05–Trump seems to think the police are the most mistreated minority in America.
7:10–The race portion is a huge bust.
7:12–Marco Rubio repeats his lie that our military is smaller right now than its ever been.
7:15–Bush vs. Rubio are talking about who can “rebuild” the military the fastest. Where are these guys getting it that our military doesn’t spend enough? The pentagon is heated by a money furnace.
7:20–Jeb Bush talking about military veteran (I think?) “I met the guy, and he’s voting for me.” That’s great Jeb, you only need 100 million more…
7:22–God, how long is this going to go on?
7:24–They’re talking about abortion, and the best way to ban it.
7:26–Because who better to talk about banning abortion than the 7 men on a stage that banned the race’s only woman from joining them on stage?
7:30–“Yes, we banned Carly Fiorina from joining us on stage tonight. Now if we could please get on with the Official He-Man Woman Hater’s Club meeting…”
7:31–The candidates finally get to a real question: Who’s going to win the Super Bowl Denver or Carolina?
7:32–The next hard-hitting question: Sam’s Club or Cost Co?
7:36–They’re done with questions. Uhhhh, no mention of Playstation Vs. X-Box? Are my emails getting through to the moderators?
7:38–Closing statements…[zzzzzzzz]
7:39–John Kasich, Chris Christie, and Jeb Bush bore us to death. Jeb mentions Reagan’s birthday and what a great president he was, then why did his dad run against him?
7:41–Ben Carson once again complains and whines.
7:42–Rubio said some such non-sense…
7:43–Ted Cruz may be the only one who whines more than Ben Carson.
7:44–Trump, winning, etc. Does it make any of his fans nervous that he has the same catchphrase as Charlie Sheen?
7:45–This debate is finally over.
7:46–Jim Gilmore was at the debate…arguing with a homeless guy in the parking lot. He appeared to be winning. Either that or arm-wrestling Jesse Ventura at a truck stop a few miles down the road…
7:48–Meanwhile, Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum are fighting over who gets to be on “Dancing with the Stars.”
7:50–Jeb Bush can get plenty of claps…in a room full of paid lobbyists disguised in New Hampshire flannel.
7:52–Whew, the real winner of tonight’s debate: me, because it’s over.
Join us tomorrow for what I assume will be the Daily debate by either party…