Gnomeo and Juliet, a Whole Different Kind of Survivor Story

[It might be in its 3^rd week of release, but since this sucker just topped the box office, it’s gained a new relevance]

If Sanctum is about survival under almost impossible odds then surely Gnomeo and Juliet is for myself. I survived one of the most bizarre children’s films in history while in a theater of screaming children. For those of you unfamiliar with the premise, the movie is based on the Shakespeare play Romeo and Juliet, only instead of a timeless tragedy about human lovers and their dueling families having sword fights, this movie is about brightly colored yard gnomes who have lawn mower races and gave me the fucking creeps.

I think there has always been something a little strange about yard gnomes, but this movie escalated that to a threat level 10 phobia of them. These gnomes are scheming, some are just about evil, some lust after killer lawnmowers, and destroy several human’s property in the process. Plus, try watching these creepy bastards come at you in 3D.

What Works: This movie (a Toy Story rip off at best, and the tamest Robot Chicken skit you’ve ever seen at worst) is only not boring in its pure strangeness. The red gnomes have a blood feud with the blue gnomes, and challenge them with elaborate pranks, lawn mower races (it’s as weird as it sounds), and singing Elton John songs. I don’t do drugs but I’m pretty sure the screenwriters do, and they might encourage any adults watching this movie to experience it the same way.

What Doesn’t Work: There is a creep factor in almost everything in the movie, as the gnomes start off mostly playful but gradually devolve into property destroying porcelain psychos.

What I Would Have Done Differently: This is a difficult one because I probably wouldn’t have thought up the concept to this movie, because, again, it is a bad concept. I guess I might have called it Gnome Story: Please Don’t Sue Us Pixar and dumped it straight to DVD where it might have enjoyed some success at the bottom of the 2 dollar Wal-Mart bin.