In the break between the two debates it was interesting that Marco Rubio’s Super-PAC had the most ads. Seems like the billionaires are gathering…
6:00–A long montage showcasing Fall leaves. Is this a Starbucks commercial for a new Fall Latte or a GOP debate?
6:03–Long introductions showing that there are only a ludricrous-eight candidates tonight. What will the GOP do when they only have a reasonable number of candidates on the stage?
6:05–Trump says he would not raise the minimum wage, which sucks but he at least answers the question which is more than I can say for…
6:07–Ben Carson says it’s “kewl” to be here, and rambles in an answer that mentions his family, his past, and how nifty it is to make minimum wage when you’re starting out.
6:09–The moderator seems just as confused and says “so you would…not…raise it?” Another great question: is Ben Carson brain damaged? Because he makes Herman Cain look like Neil Degrasse Tyson.
6:10–Marco “Cuban Matt Damon” Rubio talks about his working-class upbringing. Take a shot tonight every time he brings this up, and make sure an ambulance for alcohol-poisoning is on standby.
6:11–Rubio says an increase in the minimum wage would lead to more automation of jobs. “Hmmmm…” wonder the billionaires backing him, perhaps thinking they can replace Rubio with a cheaper automaton since he pretty much always says the same thing anyway. He even used the exact “for the life of me” phrasing he did in the last debate to talk about vocational training.
6:12–Kasich speaks, America sleeps.
6:14–I actually think Kasich is the least-worst person running on that main stage, but he’s perpetuating the GOP fantasy that you can give tax cuts and lower the deficit at the same time.
6:15–Maria Bartomawhatsherface seems unimpressed with his vague bragging, and asks him what specifics he can provide.
6:16–The most artificial man in American politics–Ted Cruz–begins to speak, fake vague-Texas accent and all. He usually wears more eye shadow than Johnny Depp in Dark Shadows but that seems to be decreased tonight.
6:17–“Armies of regulators have descended like locusts on small businesses.” I actually think it’s more that big corporations are putting them out of business left and right, and Amazon might put even those big retail giants out of business, but sure…regulators are doing it.
6:18–Bush always comes off as insincere when he tries to “fight.” It just doesn’t suit him, but I guess he’s got to do something to climb back in the polls. He seems to be awake at least, which is more than I can say for myself if these blowhards talk about taxes for two hours straight, as if that’s the only economic issue worth talking about.
6:19–Bush attacks Obama, and the crowd goes wild. Yep, it’s that kind of night…
6:20–A laundry list of regulations he’d overturn, linking regulations on polluters to why Americans can’t find work. Sigh…
6:21–Carly Fiorina…making me long for Michelle Bachmann, who at least provided some laughs.
6:24–Rand Paul…making me long for Ron Paul, who at least provided sincerity.
6:25–If Rand had half of his father’s authenticity, he’d be doing a lot better than 8th in the polls. He says you should move to a big city with a Republican mayor…so…all two of them then? I guess it’s Salt Lake or Boise or you can go fuck yourself, then, because those are about the only ones. [Correction: EVEN SLC and Boise both have Democratic mayors, so I guess you’re out of luck then red staters.]
6:26–As we go into our first commercial debate, it’s worth pointing out that Rand’s claim that states with Democratic governors are doing worse economically is a straight-up lie. Out of the top 20 most prosperous states only North Dakota, Utah, and Alaska are red states while the bottom twenty are almost all red-states.
6:27–The first oil/gas Super-PAC commercial, but surely not the last.
6:28–A local commerical for Lipstick Bail Bonds showing people getting arrested by a pink Hummer should be YouTubed immediately.
6:29–Carson claims he’s being lied about, but I’d like to know exactly what’s been lied about. The only lies seem to be coming out of his mouth, but it’s not just that he’s lying, it’s what he’s lying about: a West Point scholarship offer, Joseph building the pyramids to store grain, stabbing a guy, etc. Carson isn’t a liar, he’s certifiable.
6:30–He didn’t answer the question at all, but pivoted to more Hilary and Benghazi non-sense.
6:31–An immigration question for Trump. The subtitle of this debate might be “This is What We Want to Be Asked.” I wonder if the candidates sent the questions to the moderators.
6:33–Trump’s anti-immigrant stance is immensely popular with the crowd. It’s funny that Trump’s moderate stances on foreign policy and social issues are what people don’t like about him, and the thing he’s most conservative about (immigration) is what’s driving his popularity.
6:34–Kasich takes on Trump’s immigration policy, and surprisingly gets applause. Only four years ago, any defense of immigration got boos at a GOP debate so this is some progress I guess…
6:35–Trump vs. Kasich, but Bush wants to get in on this.
6:37–This is the most awake we’ve seen Jeb yet, and it’s shocking to me that it’s a 2-to-1 fight for legalization, man things have changed in the GOP…maybe.
6:38–Rubio speaks. If you close your eyes, you would swear it’s Matt Damon.
6:39–Somehow he takes a question about automation of jobs and makes it a slam on Obamacare. A masterclass in bullshit…
6:41–Ted Cruz is asked about social security, but wants in on that immigration squirmish a few minutes back. He’s on Trump’s side more than Kasich/Bush…
6:42–…Talks about his own immigrant background as a reason he’s for legal immigration instead of illegal, but Cubans are given an immediate citizenship that no other country on Earth is entitled to so I don’t know if he’s really a good person to ask.
6:43–Fiorina talking about repealing “Obamacare” doesn’t get the applause it would have a year ago. The tide is slowly turning on this issue, and only ass-backwards Southern states that haven’t been allowed Obamacare anyway (since their politics-playing governors won’t allow it in fully) truly hate it.
6:45–Fiorina talks about her past business experience without being asked about it, a risky move since you’d think she’d want to bring that up like Jeb wants to talk about his brother.
6:47–Praises Scott Walker’s “meritocracy” in Wisconsin, I guess “Meritocracy” now means taking a relatively prosperous state and sinking its economy and declaring civil war on its unions.
6:48–Second commercial break features the Benghazi movie “13 Hours” which should have this crowd licking their chops to see it the way they did “Black Hawk Down” and “Lone Survivor.” If you thought “American Sniper” was too leftwing, then “13 Hours” may be for you.
6:50–And we’re back…unfortunately. That last commercial for a cruise was more interesting than the ongoing conversation about taxes.
6:51–Neil Caputo zeroes in on Ben Carson again, and he must be as scared as the rest of us about Carson’s rise in the polls. Carson lays out his tax plan again…mistaking “simple” for “fair.”
6:52–Carson continues the fallacy that churches can replace government charity. Right, the Catholic Church can be the new safety net, do you think they’ve got an extra trillion lying around after all those sex-scandal-lawsuits that have bankrupted a dozen archdioceses in America?
6:54–Rand Paul gets asked about taxes which is like rubbing a dog’s belly. He likes talking about this more than Bob Costas wants to talk baseball.
6:56–Once again, Paul mistakes a simple tax plan for a fair one. And the moderator correctly says “But no one watching wouldn’t want to pay less taxes” as if subtly nudging them to stop the pandering.
6:56–Ted Cruz talking about taxes…still. I think we got it during the CNBC debate last week since it doesn’t take that long to get the general theme of “taxes suck, screw the IRS.”
6:58–Still on taxes. I really, really hope they talk about more than this in the second hour. I know this is the business debate, but there’s got to be more to it than tax-talk. [Quietly sneaks away to write idea for a new Fox Business show “Tax Talk with Any GOP Member You Can Think Of.”]
7:00–The debate goes on autopilot as they blather on about taxes, so I study the wall for stray spider webs I haven’t gotten down yet.
7:01–Jeb says the name “Reagan Love” is a pretty great name managing to slip in a Reagan-fawning moment apropos of nothing.
7:02–Cuban Matt Damon talks again, but where is Cuban Ben Affleck? Ted Cruz is a sorry substitute.
7:03–Rand Paul takes on Rubio for having a too-liberal tax plan…Right, because Rubio is famous for being too liberal.
7:04–Was the first debate tonight actually more substantive? Maybe…I never thought I’d long for Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee but they may be more economically liberal than most of the eight on the main stage.
7:06–Rubio talks about spending us into oblivion to defend America and gets huge applause. Framing Rand Paul as the bad-guy for common-sense military spending.
7:07–To hear Rubio and Ted Cruz talk, you would think America didn’t spend more than the rest of the world on its military.
7:08–Carly interrupts to talk about…mmmm…I’m pretty sure taxes?
7:09–Why does Fiorina always seem simultaneously condescending and unknowledgable?
7:09–Trump gets in on “Spend more on the military” pandering, as if America doesn’t have more military spending than the next 8 countries combined.
7:10–Kasich wants in on this, but the moderators aren’t having it. He comes across like that kid who wants to answer every question, and kind-of annoys the teacher.
7:11–A question about trade to Trump, and he actually comes across as economically populist by talking about trade deals that increase offshoring of jobs.
7:12–Rand wants to talk about the TransPacific Partnership deal but weird music plays like they desperately want to go to a commercial or they have to play some music to keep from falling asleep like a drowsy late night motorist hoping he can just get home.
7:14–Another commercial, this one for an inspirational college football movie I’ve never heard of. I’ll give them this: they know their audience.
7:17–And we’re back…if you can stand it. It’s all I can do to keep my heartrate down during this riveting discourse on tax percentages.
7:18–We’re now two-thirds of the way through the debate and I’m starting to think this is yet another debate where education is not brought up at all.
7:20–A terrorism question to Ben Carson. The best part: the way his eyes popped open when he said “Putin” pronouncing it “Poo-tin.”
7:20–He talks about making Islamic terrorists look like “losers” to make people not want to join them. Maybe no one could sit with ISIS at the cafeteria and Al-Qaeda could be uninvited to Pre-Prom?
7:21–Listening to Jeb Bush talk about Obama’s mishandling of Iraq may actually change my bloodtype to “boiling.” I keep waiting for the self-awareness police to show up and make an arrest, but they never do.
7:22–Once again, he acts like his brother was never president. The Bushes are like some asshole who breaks a vase and then says “Look at this mess! Somebody really screwed up!”
7:23–Trump clearly would rather talk about North Korea than Iran, to his credit. Makes a reasonable point about why they only talk about Iran when North Korea actually has nuclear weapons and threatens to use them like a teenager seeking attention.
7:24–Trump offers a reasonable defense of Russia going into Syria, and wondering why we always have to lead on everything and do everything. Reasonable, but not to Jeb…
7:25–I thought Jeb might mention that Assad actually isn’t fighting ISIS, and is using them to make the Free Syrian Army insurgency look like terrorists, but instead he just says America has to lead because blah blah blah…
7:27–Fiorina wants to look as “tough” as the rest of the neocons, by talking about getting “tough” with ISIS, Russia, Iran, etc…by arming her “good friends” in Jordan who have shown no serious interest in fighting these wars or their own wars.
7:29–As much as Rand Paul likes talking about taxes is as much as I actually like hearing him talk about foreign policy. Rand Paul for president? No. Secretary of State or Defense? Maybe…
7:29–He gets muted applause for speaking about diplomacy instead of war-hawking or immature silence towards opponents.
7:30–Quickly shat on by Fiorina.
7:31–Trump “Why does she keep interrupting everybody?” Exactly what I said not five seconds beforehand.
7:32–Rubio brags about not meeting Vladimir Putin, unlike Trump and Fiorina. “Good for you for having…no connections?” America wonders.
7:34–Rubio talked for a long time, but did he say anything?
7:34–A question to Kasich about China because why not? I guess they picked his name at random pre-debate?
7:35–Another opportunity for Kasich to brag on his record than actually answer a damn question.
7:35–He details solid plans for the Middle East, but the question was about China.
7:36–He briefly mentions China in the TPP agreement and their island building, but not anything about their takeover of the hotel chain in the actual question. He actually talks more about Hilary than China.
7:37–Kasich talked for four straight minutes but didn’t answer the question.
7:38–A commercial break, thank you God.
7:40–And we’re back…for some reason. It’s hard to resist turning it to the Weather Channel and watching weather patterns.
7:41–Jeb talks about Dodd/Frank and Hilary Clinton, but even he seems confused by what he’s saying as he stumbles several times.
7:42–Jeb talks about the economic crisis as if his brother was never president. Listening to him dump Iraq and big banking on Hilary is a little like Pablo Escobar talking about the evils of cocaine exports.
7:43–Carson asked a question about big banks, and doesn’t answer it. So they ask him specifically if he would break up the big banks, and he still doesn’t answer it. Every answer Ben Carson has given tonight has had to be “clarified.”
7:45–Rubio talks…’nough said. Remember that “How you like them apples speech?” from Good Will Hunting? Man, what a great speech.
7:46–Cruz talks tough on the big banks and cronyism and special interests and the super-rich being in bed with big government and rigging the game. So I guess he’s going to renounce his Super-PAC then?
7:48–Cruz learns the name of a single black female business owner so he can use it in this debate. Ask him to name three more black people who aren’t famous…
7:50–Cruz talks about “philosopher kings” in the federal reserve trying out theory as policy as if he didn’t go to Harvard, and hasn’t used economic theory to rationalize his “don’t raise the debt ceiling” government shutdown crusade. I say again, the most artificial man in politics…
7:51–Kasich even makes my point by saying “you don’t think about philosophical concerns in a crisis.” Exactly. For Cruz the ideologically rigid senator to talk about philosopher kings is pretty rich.
7:52–Once again, Kasich’s common-sense and pragmatic sense to government draws crickets-chirping-silence from the crowd. “I know how to actually govern”–is basically what he’s saying, and it’s actually getting booed by this crowd.
7:53–Fiorina talks about “saving jobs” something she knows as much about as Chris Christie knows about jumping jacks.
7:55–Another merciful commerical break, and this time the GOP-baiting movie preview is a sequel to last year’s atrocious “Olympus Has Fallen.” Between this and that football movie, Aaron Eckhart seems to be getting nice work in conservative movies.
7:56–Oh my God, an actual commercial talking about climate crisis? [Slow clap]
7:58–We’re back and it’s a question about Hilary’s experience.
7:59–As they list Hilary’s accomplishments, it actually draws boos. Rubio, to his credit, doesn’t just fall back on “Hilary sucks” rhetoric, but I’m sure he will in his next question. He can only resist so long.
8:00–Ted Cruz wants in on this, not one to let a potential slam on Hilary slip past him.
8:01–Neil even says “It’s fair to say you’re not fans of Hilary’s resume” as if to say “stop pandering.”
8:02–They won’t say Fox was being too tough on them, but if this debate was on any other network the candidates would be squalling about left-wing bias even as they’re more than coddled.
8:03–A question to Trump about corporate taxes…I guess?
8:04–A question to Rand Paul about climate crisis, and Rand can’t get away from admitting climate crisis is real fast enough. What a shameful coward…
8:05–He is a senator from Kentucky, so I guess he can’t really distance himself from coal, but it’s still sad to see the lone Republican onstage who’s admitted climate crisis is man made distance himself so fully from that position.
8:07–Jeb scores in a joke about solar-power company Solendra which the audience doesn’t laugh at. That’s yesterday’s made-up scandal dude. [And again, if anyone knows about helping an energy company make money, wouldn’t it be his brother?] Then he says the reason carbon emissions have fallen is because of natural gas…completely ignoring the rise in solar and wind.
8:08–Another commercial break, this one for a movie I would actually see: “Spotlight” which is about the Catholic Church sex abuse scandal and cover-up. May not have sold many tickets to tonight’s debate audience though…
8:10–Closing statements, which are always pretty boring.
8:11–Rand Paul and John Kasich’s closing statements don’t leave any real impact.
8:12–Carly Fiorina…is still around…for some reason. [Correction: she’s around to not make the GOP look sexist for having 14 men crap on Hilary.]
8:13–Jeb Bush says we don’t need a “divider in chief” which is hilarious since his brother…Oh, forget it. If people don’t remember the Bush years, then I can’t remind them…
8:14–Ted Cruz offers a soaring inspirational speech about his father leaving Cuba…that turns into an ad for his website.
8:15–Cuban Matt Damon wraps it up with an advertisement for his own website, but why didn’t he tell us to go see The Martian?
8:16–Ben Carson says that in the two hours the debate took place so did two hundred abortions something that seems very, very high to me, but who cares? No one looks to Carson for accuracy.
8:16–At least his closing remarks were short and now we’re on Trump. He mentions that he doesn’t need to pimp his website since his campaign is self-funded (good) but that Hilary was the worst secretary of state we’ve ever had (bad).
8:17–Neil Caputo seems to be falling asleep, and dings the candidates for talking over each other even though this debate was painfully drama-free and a little sleepy. Maybe he wants to reshape the narrative into one where this debate was interesting?
8:17–He definitely wants to shape the narrative since he even says “It was about them, not us” which Fox desperately wants the narrative to be after the previous criticized debates. This seemed to embarass Maria as she quickly said “goodnight.”
8:18–I don’t even know why they have these damn debates since the first guy to speak said the night’s inarguable worst performer (Ben Carson) had a big night.
8:19–It seems like more of the establishment flocking to Rubio as he was also declared a big winner. Smooch smooch smooch on the new-king’s ass…pitiful…
Goodnight folks…I wish I had just watched the first debate since it was only an hour long.
It is worth noting that this is the most boring of the debates they’ve had yet, and yet all the candidates praised it. Maybe that’s because a debate should not be praised by the people in it. And the claims that it was more substantial? They never talked about education, campaign finance reform, or college tuition and college debt, and had only brief, brief mentions of reforming social security (something they clearly didn’t want to talk about), medicare, the healthcare system, big oil subsidies, and climate crisis. That’s not substantial. That’s two-hours of blathering about tax cuts and getting asked things that were in their wheelhouse, and avoiding things they didn’t want to talk about.
Finally! The politics are back