Monday Morning Movie Reviewer: “Hercules” …Please Don’t Watch This Movie

What a piece of garbage. Although I’m not knocked-out by Lone Survivor (review later today) I am thrilled that moviegoers made it a smash at the box office over this obviously dumber, louder, cruder film.

What Works: If you’re looking for a good Mystery Science Theater-style movie to go watch with your friends and mock mercilessly, then this pitiful pile of shit is certainly that movie.

What Doesn’t: Everything. “But surely you don’t mean everything?” Yep, I mean e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. The special effects look like junk Ed Wood would be embarrassed to use. The direction makes it difficult to tell what’s going on during any given action sequence. The script seems to be made up of dares to see who could write the worst dialogue. And the acting…oh boy…let’s just say the supporting cast could be schooled by “thespians” from a Canadian public access talk show, and Kellan Lutz could have a bright future in gay porn, but probably not as a serious action star.

There’s one scene where Lutz-as-Hercules has to grunt his way out of shackles and then use the rocks tied to those shackles to beat up his enemies, and I could hardly believe my eyes. Not in a James-Cameron-does-it-again way, but in a “how in the hell did this movie get a wide release?” kind-of way. There’s another scene where Hercules is swimming around a ridiculously cheesy looking waterfall and his long-lost-love stands there with her mouth open while seemingly a million dandelion spores fly around her, and all I could think is “How does she keep from choking on those spores?” All the audience could do was laugh since this is also really stupid looking.

What I Would Have Done Differently: I’m telling you not to watch this movie in the title. I can’t warn you any further. If you just have to see a Hercules story, there’s one with The Rock coming out in a few months.