Ordinarily, there’s just one asshole of the week, but this has been an exceptionally busy week…
Asshole of the Week 4th Runner-Up: “The Juice” O.J. Simpson. Earlier this week it was reported that O.J. Simpson believes Khloe Kardashian is his biological daughter (her mother, Mama Kardashian, had an affair with O.J. when her husband Robert was still alive AND when he was O.J.’s lawyer and best friend) so much that he wrote her into his will and his own daughter out of it. I don’t know what makes O.J. a bigger piece of shit: writing his daughter out of his will, doing it from prison, doing it from prison on a robbery charge (and not a double murder charge), fucking his best friend’s wife, or helping to create one of the Kardashian sisters. How much carnage can one man leave in his wake?
Asshole of the Week 3rd Runner-Up: Mama Kardashian, or, maybe The Today Show. Speaking of Mama Kardashian (perhaps the real source of this ebola virus strain of a family), she also made the news when NBC’s Today Show decided NOT to observe a moment of silence for 9/11 (despite filming only a few miles from Ground Zero) and instead let her ramble on about breast implants during that minute…thus finding a way to disrespect thousands of 9/11 families. How much suffering can one family leave in its wake?
Asshole of the Week 2nd Runner-Up: Mitt Romney. Almost immediately after an attack in Libya left several people (including the U.S. ambassador) dead, Mitt Romney tried to spin it for his personal gain, saying it just showed that Obama “is weak.” I have no idea how someone can make a random, unpreventable act of violence NOT happen by “being strong” (what does that even mean? Obama should have murdered every Libyan so that there would be none left to kill anyone else?) but I am damn positive that Romney isn’t the man to do it. Obama trumps him on national security and international relations at every turn, and Romney’s desperate attack only further highlights that.
Asshole of the Week Runner-Up: Chris Brown. He got a tattoo of a woman’s battered face on his neck…and many say the tattoo looks a lot like Rihanna after he beat her. Even if it doesn’t look identical to her, a man so captivated by the image of a woman’s mutilated face he just had to get it tatted up on his neck is definitely a great candidate for a domestic violence watch list. If I were a woman being approached by a guy like that, I would think that qualifies as a red flag.
Asshole of the Week: Paul Ryan. He basically said everything Romney did about Obama’s “weakness” contributing to a random act of violence (over a movie, no less, for an added bump of unpreventable randomness), but he outdid Romney by voicing strong support AGAINST the teacher’s unions in Chicago, who are striking. That’s right, just in case we forgot that Paul Ryan is a smug, elitist prick without a populist bone in his body, he just had to weigh in against teachers…even crossing party lines (siding with Democrat Mayor Rahm Emanuel against the teachers) to do it. It’s nice to see bipartisan cooperation again…except that it’s on the worst fucking issue possible: screwing over teachers.