This is really two movies. There’s one movie that’s pretty good whenever Tom Cruise is onscreen. And there’s a second movie that is God-awful whenever he’s not onscreen. Unfortunately, he’s only onscreen for about one quarter of it.
What Works: Again, Tom Cruise. Just as “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World” was a decent movie with a big leading man problem at the center, this is a terrible movie with a great supporting performance rotating around the center. Cruise isn’t the technical “star” of this film (that would be Julianne Hough and some himbo dude I will probably never see in a movie again) but he steals it in every sense of the world. His Stacee Jaxx is a legendary rockstar currently on the downward spiral of fame; a drugged-up, barely coherent fuge state that only dissipates when he’s onstage, about the only place he still feels alive.
Watching him slink around people like a human snake, it’s clear he’s fully aware of what’s going on, but doesn’t care enough to fix it, preferring to keep fooling himself. Cruise brings his trademark intensity and control to a man that people only think is an idiot, and he cuts through the cheesiness of the movie (and numbers like “Wanted, Dead or Alive,” which he uses as a parable for fame and how people don’t care if their favorite celebrities are dead or alive from the pressure, as long as they keep giving them what they want until they are dead) with the danger the rest of the movie desperately needed.
What Doesn’t Work: Everything else. The cast is separated into limited performers in bad parts (Hough, Russell Brand, Mary J. Blige, Malin Akerman in an embarrassing sexy-librarian costume) and great performers in the most embarrassing situations of their careers. Think Alec Baldwin in a gay romance with Russell Brand while singing in a shitty wig. Think Catherine Zeta-Jones as the uptight wife of the mayor, looking downright crazy as hell in a pantsuit while singing “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” with a bunch of church ladies. Think Breaking Bad’s terrific Bryan Cranston (who has yet to find big screen roles worthy of his talent) getting bent over a desk and spanked. It’s like half the cast took their parts on a dare, and I hope the paychecks were worth it.
Also, whether you enjoy the music or not (it’s all 80’s hairband anthems) will determine how good a time you have, but the musical numbers are shot with muddy lenses and clumsy editing that really take away from the songs.
What I Would Have Done Differently: I haven’t seen the show Rock of Ages, so I can’t say how this differs from it, but you would have had a better movie (and better box office receipts) if you just ditched the show altogether and made a dramatic musical about the culture of 80’s rock bands (like Almost Famous did for 70’s bands) with Tom Cruise’s Stacee Jaxx at the center.
Awesome review.