Dear Readers, there is a shameful period of my past that I’m none too happy about. No, I don’t mean any incidents in college or high school that may or may not involve elaborate pranks and debauchery, I mean the 2004-2005 television season when I, like just about anyone at the time who was watching television heavily, watched the majority of the first season of Desperate Housewives.
That’s right, the show that jump-started the obnoxious, selfish, gold-digging women movement was actually something I watched on a near weekly basis. I can’t remember if it’s something I ever actually enjoyed—-and I did have the eventual, painful realization that I hated all of the lead characters—-but I do remember the developments and have followed enough of the show since then (mostly through court cases by disgruntled ex-cast members and bitchy photo shoots where the ladies badmouth each other) to have followed what was happening in last night’s series finale to know what was going on. Anyway, here’s what went down for those of you that might be curious but (hopefully) were spending time with your actual mothers instead of celebrating these horrible fictitious ones…
General: There was a funeral, a birth, a wedding, a reconciliation, a mistrial, a hookup, appearances by long-gone cast members (but NOT Nicolette Sheridan who is suing the show after it killed her off), a requisite flashback, corny situations more comedic than dramatic, all of the women eventually leave “Wisteria Lane,” and an entirely “shocking” ending that was shocking because it made little sense.
For Gabby (Eva Longoria): Now that she’s the breadwinner over her husband Carlos, she began neglecting him and he retaliated by hiring a sexy gardener (Rosalyn Sanchez…who was supposed to star in DH creator Marc Cherry’s new ABC soap opera Devious Maids, which details the people that work for women like this but ABC declined to pick up that show for the Fall, oops) echoing her affair with the young gardener all the way back in season 1. Don’t worry though, the show’s most shallow wife (and that’s saying something) has a happy ending when it’s revealed that she later launches a personal shopping website, and TV show, and argues “happily ever after” with Carlos in a California mansion.
For Lynette (Felicity Huffman): After spending an awkward, unsatisfying season separated from her husband Tom, would you like to guess whether or not they reconciled? The true ending for her was being offered a job by Dana Delaney’s ex-housewife and moving to New York so she could be the CEO of a company and, presumably, scream at Tom in a different timezone.
For Bree (Marcia Cross): Even more non-suspenseful than whether or not Lynette and Tom remained the street’s longest couple, was whether or not Bree would spend the rest of her life in jail for the murder of Gabrielle’s abusive stepfather, which Carlos actually committed. In the end, Mrs. McClusky (the crotchety old neighbor dying of cancer, and who died towards the end of the episode) took the witness stand to confess to the murder, and thus get Bree off. Bree was then pursued by Scott Bakula’s good-guy, liberal lawyer even though the two had literally nothing in common. It was revealed that Bree is the last to move off the street and eventually is married to Bakula’s character and a very conservative state senator in Kentucky…If only she’d gone to jail, we’d be spared one more Tea Partier…
For Susan (Teri Hatcher): Then there was poor, pitiful Susan. Not only did the only good thing that’s ever happened to her get killed a few episodes back (Mike got shot to death by a loan shark for apparently no good reason), but we were never given a proper flash forward for her character, unlike all the other women. So, let’s get this straight, all of the other women are married to unrealistically patient guys with respective careers as millionaire website runners, CEOs, and congresswomen, while Susan is…a forever single grandmother who’s big ending is taking care of her daughter’s unexpected baby? Poor dummy, I halfway feel sorry for her, which is the closest emotion I feel for any of these characters.
For Renee (Vanessa Williams): And finally the totally “Oh, what the fuck?” pile-on of having Vanessa Williams’s character get married. It always felt like the show never knew what to do with Williams and (from what I’ve heard) never really gave her much to do, and I guess a wedding with no prologue is about as good as this character can hope for. Although I did like that it was a loving portrayal of an interracial marriage in the end since I’ve made no secret of the pitiful lack of representation of (happy) interracial marriages on TV.
Then you had the finale minute which was Susan driving around the block and waving goodbye to all the “ghosts” of characters that died on the show (except, of course, Sheridan) and welcoming the new, young woman who bought her house…A woman we learn in the final seconds is hiding some terrible secret in a locked box. We don’t find out what the secret is or why we should give a shit, it’s only meant to end the episode on a bizarrely suspenseful cliffhanger for a spin-off show of younger housewives that will never happen. I guess the creator thought it would be a nice continuity thing to say that even if these characters aren’t up to mischief, the street will be, but I doubt many fans thought it was the best way to end it.
All in all, I think that if you were a fan of the show, you probably loved the ending, and it would be about as good as you can expect. For everyone else though, the ending lacked real artistry or intrigue or suspense or shock…people won’t be endlessly debating whether they love it or hate it five years from now like they still do The Sopranos (I love it) or Lost (really love it), but then again, Desperate Housewives never claimed to be the second coming of Deadwood. But the fact that Desperate Housewives has won more Emmy and Golden Globes than The Wire, Community, Fringe, and The Shield combined is about damn criminal.