Ordinarily in this feature, we like to talk a little about current events and list the Asshole of the Week at the very bottom, but this week, there are just way too many assholes to save it for the very end…
Fifth Biggest Asshole This Week: Sarah Palin. No surprise that perennial offender Palin—-who at this point is just an unctuous reality show personality determined not to go away and would drop kick a pile of babies to get a sixteenth minute in the spotlight…I expect her to be on Celebrity Apprentice with the other washed up personalities any day now—-is on this list. Still, this week she did two things (blaming Obama for his “poor leadership” of his secret service team getting prostitutes in Colombia, and commenting on one secret service agent’s “crush” on her) that cemented her reputation as the female Donald Trump or a political Real Housewives star, as she is seemingly incapable of rising above any story or evolving beyond the mentality of a high school girl.
4th Biggest Asshole of the Week: Kim Kardashian. Speaking of shameless media whores, is there anyone on this planet who thinks her “relationship” with Kanye West is genuine…except for maybe Kanye himself? Poor sucker (dude, what in her dating history of brick-stupid athletes actually makes you think she’s interested in someone interesting?), he actually thinks Kim likes him instead of actually liking dating the biggest celebrity of her dating career. And I do mean “dating career” as I’m less certain she’s an actual person capable of human feelings than a sex robot who dates famous men like it’s a job, converting the media coverage into electricity for her cyborg circuits.
3rd Biggest Asshole of the Week: Anyone complaining about the “cost to tax payers” of Obama’s re-election campaign. Yes, taxes are used for his secret service detail (when they’re not getting secretly served) when he makes the re-election rounds, but that’s been the case for every incumbent president, so it’s absolutely ridiculous to say he should essentially stay at home instead of costing the tax payers 0.00000001 percent of the budget for his travel. It’s just one more example of how people will bitch about literally anything associated with this president, and don’t have actual problems with him so much as his mere existence. Speaking of which…
2nd Biggest Asshole of the Week: Jon Lovitz. This week he went on a profanity-infused rant (good) against President Obama (bad). Specifically, the president’s desire to have rich people pay a slight amount more in taxes they have always paid except for the last eight years (very bad). Lovitz seemed irate that the president wanted to eliminate the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent (who are paying less today than they have since 1948) and called him a “fucking asshole” for it. Well you know who’s really an asshole? A rich, has-been comedian that hasn’t worked consistently in nearly thirty years and hasn’t worked a shit job in much longer. I think I could stomach going from 36% to 39% in taxes if I were essentially contributing nothing to society but still a millionaire from Saturday Night Live royalties.
Official Asshole of the Week: Who could possibly be worse than Sarah Palin, Kim Kardashian, and the star of a dozen lousy comedies…drum roll please…North Korea! [Or at least, the dictatorship out of Pyongyang, not so much the actual citizens.] That’s right, the country that can barely keep the lights on is now threatening to incinerate South Korea “in four minutes” and a lot of other very specific threats that feel a lot like penis envy for a country that can’t afford to feed their citizens. North Korea (as anyone who read my March book of the month club selection “The Orphan Master’s Son” knows) is hell on Earth, and a country that should be used to frighten children in Afghanistan out of bad behavior. The fact that they keep threatening to destabilize the entire region (and repeatedly kidnap Japanese/South Korean citizens, not to mention counterfeit U.S. money) definitely qualifies their upper government for early contention in “asshole of the year” territory…which would be about the only award the horrific North Korean leadership could win.