It’s that time of year again, the time when Hollywood rolls out its “best” (i.e. most expensive) movies to assault us all in theaters until we wobble out of the theater reeling from the headache a Transformers movie can provide. Still, the best summer movies are wholly original creations that operate on a much higher budget than any independent film (Inception, Toy Story 3, The Dark Knight), and I’m hoping they’ll be at least a couple this year. Note: This is not based on me having heard anything about these movies one way or the other, and I haven’t even seen a trailer for some of them, so I’m just working off gut instinct. Without further filler, I present the 5 Summer Movies I’m looking LEAST forward to, the 5 I’m Not Sure About, and the 10 I’m Most Excited to See…
The Five Summer Movies I’m LEAST Excited to Watch…
5. G.I. Joe 2 and Step Up 4: Two terrible franchises that Channing Tatum has had the good sense to outgrow. I doubt anyone is really demanding another Step Up film or even remembers the first G.I. Joe, so I don’t know why they made these, but I’m sure they’ll do good box office…and equally sure they’ll be terrible.
4. Dark Shadows: Looks like another Johnny Depp/Tim Burton wank-fest where no one leaves satisfied, but nobody in charge of the film cares because they’ve got your money anyway.
3. The Expendables 2: Like number 5, this is a movie no one was asking to see a sequel to.
2. Battleship: What’s better than Transformers? How about a terrible looking Transformers knock-off set entirely in the ocean, plus hoping you don’t notice it has nothing to do with the classic board game/movie tie-in?
1. That’s My Boy/What to Expect When You’re Expecting: One is another broad Adam Sandler comedy right after his Jack and Jill hot streak, the other is another ensemble rom-com with an “all star cast” of people collecting paychecks. Enough said about why it’s a tie for number 1.
Five I’m Not So Sure About [In order of least excited to most excited to watch]
5. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter: Looks like a one-joke movie stretched out into a painfully bad Funny or Die sketch. I can’t quite put it on the “least excited” list because there’s a chance it’ll be good, but this is one gimmick that could be the next Jonah Hex.
4. Men in Black 3/Neighborhood Watch: Two alien-invasion comedies with good casts but probably sub-par scripts. Neighborhood Watch is going to have a hard time in the wake of the Trayvon Martin shooting, and Men in Black 3 could have a hard time because the franchise has been inactive for so long, and this looks more like Will Smith collecting a pay check than anything somebody NEEDS to see.
3. Spider Man/Total Recall: Two “remakes” of movies that aren’t old enough to be remade. Either one or both COULD be good, but they face a steep uphill battle because of the “been there, down that” feel, and Total Recall is directed by Len Wiseman, so that’s not a good sign.
2. The Avengers: I know people are probably shocked I put this here as this is one of the most anticipated films of the summer in certain circles, but I’m just not a big Marvel comics fan in general. I think it’s really interesting that while Batman just gets more and more real, Marvel goes in the other direction to have their cartoonish heroes fight an army of space aliens. A real contrast…and I’m betting we’ll see just as big a contrast in the actual quality of these rival films.
1. Bourne Legacy: On the one hand, I love the Jason Bourne films. On the other hand, who knows what this thing is? It’s a Bourne movie without the character of Jason Bourne or Matt Damon, but I do like Jeremy Renner (as the new Bourne) and Edward Norton (seemingly the villain), so it’s definitely worth an open mind.
10 I’m looking Most Forward to
10. Brave: Cars 2 was Pixar’s first misfire, but surely they won’t make two bad movies in a row…right?
9. Snow White and the Huntsman: I know the story of Snow White has been done to death just in this year alone (TV’s Once Upon a Time, and Mirror, Mirror from a month ago) and I’m really tired of people pretending old fairy tales are relevant as allegories for what’s going on today. However, the trailer looks really impressive and I think it’s worth keeping an open mind for Charlize Theron’s reportedly awesome evil queen, who looks equal parts wicked and sexy.
8. Savages: One of the very few times I’ve read the novel before the movie, and so it’s really a win-win for me. If I like this movie about peaceful California pot growers getting mixed up with a violent Mexican drug cartel, good. If I don’t like it, I can say “the book was better,” and collect satisfaction in finally getting to say that. The trailer looks like flashy shit (there are at least ten differences in the trailer alone from the more realistic yet equally trashy book), and Oliver Stone has been off his game for a while, but we’ll see.
7. Paranorman: I don’t know…there’s always one good, non-Pixar animated film every year right? This could be it.
6. Looking for a Friend for the End of the World: I have to admire Steve Carell for trying to break out of his comfort zone and this comedy about the end of the world looks very sharp. Unlike the movies above this, I’m pretty sure this one will be good.
5. The Wettest County: An excellent cast that includes Tom Hardy, Gary Oldman, Shia Lebouf, Guy Pearce, and the invaluable Jessica Chastain, a promising plot about old-time boot leggers getting squeezed by local law enforcement for their profits, and a great director in John Hillcoat (The Road, The Proposition). I haven’t seen a trailer, but on paper alone this one deserves to be here.
4. The Candidate: I also haven’t seen a trailer for this movie about two rival South Carolina politicians (Will Ferrell, Zach Galifianakis) squaring off in a bitter election, but it’s got two comedians I like and is about politics. I’ll see this movie even if it has a zero percent on Rotten Tomatoes.
3. The Dictator: You either love Sacha Baron Cohen or you don’t. You either think Bruno and Borat are two of the best comedies of the last ten years or you don’t. Guess which camp I’m in?
2. Prometheus: Exciting. Said to be the rare sci-fi film that isn’t just a futuristic action movie, but has real ideas, and I’m hoping that’s true.
1. The Dark Knight Rises: I’ll consider it proof of a higher power if this movie isn’t a disappointment…and that higher power’s name is Christopher Nolan.
Well thank you for my summer movie list.
Love the Dark Knight being number 1. Me too. Can’t wait.