Congratulations to Mitt Romney on his totally expected and predictable victory in New Hampshire as he soars to his totally expected and predictable winning of the nomination…by process of elimination as all other major candidates have either failed to enter the race (Trump, Christie, Huckabee, Daniels) or been found to be serial perverts (Cain) or made the brave, “rogue” decision to show up to rallies drunk (Perry).
Congratulations to Halle Berry as she gets engaged to Oliver Martinez. I never felt like she really gave Gabriel Aubry a shot (just look at pictures of them where she seems uncomfortable and always stands as far from him as possible) but maybe the third marriage is the charm for her…Probably not, but it’s nice to think so.
Congratulations to Alabama University on winning the National Championship for College Football in one of the most unexciting games ever played. Where their opponents had a total of 84 yards (that’s double digit yardage in the championship game…pathetic) and Alabama won by kicking five field goals. An anti-climax fitting of Mitt Romney in New Hampshire which happened just the day after it, but I need to stop bringing up ole Mitt before my readers die of terminal boredom.
Belated Congrats to Rick Santorom for placing second in Iowa. It won’t mean jack shit to your struggling campaign and you’ll be lucky to fill a Barnes and Noble handicapped bathroom stall in two years when you go on your book signing tour for whatever anti-gay book you will have written (Let’s call it “America the Red, White, and Hetero” or “Santorom: Family, Faith, No Butt Fucking”) but you should enjoy this, undoubtedly the best moment of your life.
Asshole Congratulations of the Week: And finally a special congratulations to Michelle Bachmann who dropped out of the Presidential race last week after placing dead last in Iowa where she had pinned her campaign’s first, last, and only hope. I’m glad Bachmann isn’t around to make up bold faced lies and pull statistics out of her ass but I have to admit I’ll miss having her to kick around…What’s that? Oh, she’s still in Congress and I can still find her saying stupid things on a weekly basis? Oh okay then, I guess I’m just completely glad she’s out of the race now instead of 75 percent glad.