Today I review something that really suffers from exaggerated expectations. On the one hand, Chipotle burritos do taste pretty good…on the other hand they DON’T taste ten dollars good (Moe’s offers the exact same burrito for less plus you get chips). Also on the other hand, is minimal taste satisfaction enough to counteract the stat that a single Chipotle burrito contains your daily calories and two day’s worth of sodium? Let’s find out…
While You’re Eating It: Yep. It probably does. Chipotle burritos taste good but I still have to chafe at that price more than the damage it does to my health, particularly when Qdoba and Moe’s offer virtually identical burrito experiences (sorry Mexican food lovers, but meat wrapped in a tortilla really isn’t that hard to get right and doesn’t truly require the same level of skill that, say, Italian food does so it doesn’t honestly vary that much if you weren’t born South of Texas). Plus, when you buy a burrito elsewhere you aren’t putting money into the pockets of circus clown-gone-metrosexual Steve Ells, the Chipotle co-founder who is a weird mix of persnickety tediousness and flamboyant narcissism (watch your back Tim Gunn).
After You’re Done: Don’t be too far from a bathroom, if you know what I mean. What’s that? You don’t know what I mean? I mean that after a Chipotle burrito you will be visited by “Montezuma’s Revenge,” if you know what I mean. You still don’t know what I mean? I mean diarrhea will visit you like an exploding volcano of brown lava from which there is no escape or mercy.
Impotence Level: Oh, they’ll be no time for thinking about sex as you marry your toilet bowl for ten hours to three days.
Heart Attack Level on a Scale of 1 to 5: Probably a 2. I know I should rank it higher, but there are a lot worse fast food choices out there for your consumption.
Dying From Diarrhea Induced Dehydration: 5…on a scale of 1 to 3.